with you ‣ n.rk

006

"Sorry." Yeseul managed to mutter before pulling her bag swiftly and immediately turning her back on him.

"Wait, Yeseul!" Niki says from behind, causing her to stop walking. But that was all that she could offer as she cannot seem to find it in her to face him once more. "I'm sorry." The softness of his voice made everything in her weak. "You misunderstood."

"What did I misunderstand?" She asked, so quietly she wasn't even sure at first whether he heard her.

"It wasn't because I loved you so little. It was never because of that." Yeseul swore she heard him stutter at first, as though he was hesitating whether to speak of the truth or keep his silence and risk ruining whatever it is that remained between them.

"It was because I loved you too much."

Yeseul wanted to run. She wanted to disappear immediately when her heart began to break out of her ribcage because of how hard it thumped. She wanted to scratch her skin until it bled to get everything she felt out of her system. She wanted to turn her back and run to him, and instantly beg him to bring back everything that they lost four summers ago. The same type of begging she had initially wanted to do when she stormed to his house and demanded to see him.

Yeseul has never felt like a fool until that moment. The fear of her affections that was already massive on its own continued to increase in size to the point she could no longer bottle it up inside her. She didn't want to admit it, she refused to admit that all this time, her feelings for him only faltered for a bit.

"Then why?" Her voice almost cracked, almost exposed how much chaos there was inside her brain.

"Because I was afraid." Without even hearing the rest of the question, Niki knew immediately what it meant.

For so long she asked, now she has her answer.

Finally, she looks at him.

"Afraid of what?"

"A week before I decided to do what I did, we were talking about our plans for the future. Everything that we would do as soon as college starts, we talked about it. While you were starry-eyed during those moments, excitedly discussing things that you seemed so sure would happen, everything started to suddenly hit me." Niki explained what made him decide what he did. "Everything started to feel so real, and... I got scared of it. I wanted to shrug it off but I couldn't. There were so many thoughts running inside of me, it came to the point I thought ending us was the only right way. It has always been my issue, never yours."

"You ran the moment it got too real, is that it?" Yeseul tells him what she understood from his explanation, and he responds with a guilty nod. "You're a jerk, Nishimura Riki and you better give me a good reason right now so I would not throw this bag at you!" She angrily says, stomping near him until he was close enough so she could incessantly punch his arm.

"We were in a relationship for three years and all of sudden when it got too real for you, you just left!" She repeatedly hit him and he allowed her to do so, probably because he understood where her anger was coming from and because she knew this was how she'd react. Gradually, her hits began to seem featherlike until it rested on his arm with her head no longer bearing the ability to remain upright. "Was I so easy to dispose out of your life?" 

Yeseul's rage returned to its original form: sadness. Tears brimmed in both her eyes as situations such as this never fail to make her cry, to prove to the world how easy it was for her eyes to water. Yet she kept it to herself, droplets that were at the edges of her vision stayed where it was, looking at him with the little strength and pride she had left in her. Guilt surrounded Niki's eyes, so much that it was contagious. He tried to reach out for her hand that remained on his upper arm, but his fist recoiled in hesitation, putting it back to where it originally was. 

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done."

"And funny enough, you still managed to do it." Yeseul couldn't help the sneer that followed. 

"Yeseul." Niki calls for her. He wanted her to look at him, that she could deduce and so she gave him what he wanted. Their deep brown eyes, gazing at each other, searching for something or anything in them. "I never managed." 

"You left me, you did manage." She glares. 

He shook his head. "Leaving you entailed the erasure of everything I felt for you." His gaze went deeper into hers, trying to catch a glimpse of her soul hoping to see the unmeasurable affection and passion that used to be there. He looked as if he hoped to see something familiar in her. 

"Yeseul, I never managed to do that."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE :

im sorry for being so inactive TT had to study for a major exam in calculus (im not even sure i passed haha) will try to update more frequently!