I remember reading once that it was suggested that a way to help deal with your grief is if you write a letter to one you lost. I though about it and I did try but the problem was I didn't know where to begin. How to even start it. So I though how about a start a dairy. I know in my heart that you are at peace father but it feel like purgatory being without you.
I never understood what aloneness feels like until losing you because I feel like I have lost a part of my soul. I feel like I have lost the air to breath. I feel like I have lost the happiness in my laugh. I feel like I have lost the beauty in the world.
Death. As I child, I would always something that fair. I though of losing you to death but I don't fear death because I have came to the theory that even know I can't see you. You are there. You can't be gone because that is possible. You are playing the best game of hide and seek by being invisible. We know that love is there even know we can't see it and the same with oxygen so why should death be any different?
The beginning of Princess Alexandra diary
***
Ever since Alexandra was a young child, she would run away and hide. It start as a innocent game when she was playing Hide and Seek with her sister Margaret. Margaret got distracted in the game and forgot about her sister. But Josephine learned that there was a feeling of peace and comfort in running away. It wasn't until dinner, everyone realised that Alexandra was missing. Now, the habit from going from 3 hours has now turned into 3 days as a adult. Why was she running away? It was simple. It was evening of her Father funeral.
She knew that it was selfish for feeling that way she feels because it would nothing compared to what her oldest sister, Elizabeth is now feeling. But what people didn't understand was that Alexandra hasn't just lost her father but she lost both her parents. Her father was the one that always cared for her. He was the one who would always courage her. He actually wanted her unlike her mother. Ever since Alexandra can remember, her and her mother never got along. They never liked each other. Whatever, Alexandra done it was always wrong. Even her being the youngest person to win a gold medal at the Olympic was wrong because that isn't what Princess do. The biggest problem with Alexandra and her mother was, her mother wanted to be and act like a Princess but Alexandra wished she never was one.
Alexandra, had ran away but she ran away to New York. She was sitting on a park bench in Hyde Part with her dog, Brontë. The world was going past as Alexandra wrote all her thoughts and feelings in her new dairy. She put a cigarette in her mouth and was going to light it but She became pulled out her thoughts when she felt a camera on her. So, Alexandra looked up to see if her feelings was true but looked up at the perfect moment when the camera flashed.
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James was minding his own business when he spotted her. Why she catches his attention was because she was wearing all black. It wasn't something you would normally see women in 50s year. She looked too young to be a widow he thought but she didn't seem upset. There was children screaming and adults talking loudly with dog's barking but she never look up once.
He noticed that she had a pile of 5 books next to her; - 'All quiet on the western front' by Erich Maria Remarque (1928) - 'The Price of Salt' later published as Carol, by Patricia Highsmith (1952) - 'The Hobbit' by JRR Tolkien (1937) - 'The Second Sex' by Simone De Beauvoir (1949) - 'My Cousin Rachel' by Daphne Du Maurier (1951)
Now James wouldn't normally take pictures of women's that he didn't know but he thought she the most beautiful woman. He founds it strange in a way how she wasn't trying in making herself attractive, there was just something about her.
"Do you work for the press?" Alexandra asked the very attractive man who took her picture. He was wearing glasses with a cigarette in his lips, his hair slightly messy in an oversized coat with beaten up boots.
He pulled the cigarette from out of his lips. Alexandra, didn't miss the way he looked her up and down with a slight grin on face. "No, I am not." His voice sounded like he was mocking her accent slight. Alexandra just rolled her eyes.
"Well, could you kindly please delete the photo you have just taken off me without my permission."
"Why?"
There was a moment where Alexandra looked like she thinking of how to answer the question. She moved her hand and doing a come in sign and the mystery camera man, moved closer to where Alexandra was. "Can you keep a secret?" Alexandra asked and James nod his head. "I am a Russian spy and I am trying to keep a low profile so I don't need my photo to get out in the world."
"Why would a spy come out and say they are spy?"
"Because no one would believe them because why would a spy come out and say they are a spy?"
"Why do you have a British accent then."
"It's easier to be the middle man then be the one from left or the right side. If I am Russian and I do a America accent then they know I am Russian but I do my own accent. Well that is just a foolish move to make."
"What is your name then?"
"Anastasia." It was the only name that came to mind for Alexandra and it looked by James reaction that he didn't know where she was going with her name.
"And do you have a last name Anastasia?"
"Anastasia Nikolaevne." Alexandra said and looked up to where James was standing. He was trying to make out if he believed her or not. A small laugh came from Alexandra lips "The real why I want you to delete the picture is lot more embarrassing." And with that Alexandra walked away.
"I made a deal with you. If you give the real reason as to why you want me to delete the picture of you and not made up a lie then I promise you that I will delete the photo."
"Picky swear?" Alexandra said and she held up with left hand in a ball with only her picky finger standing up and James put his right round hers.
Alexandra signed before she said "Oh, no, it's so silly but I am a Olympian... my coach isn't very nice and I been having a really bad week and honestly I don't want to be told off for smoking... he will give me this huge speech about... and I'm just not in the mood... I know my mum is going to have a go at me for running away..."
"Are you any good?"
"I won a gold medal at the 1948 so you tell me."
"I'm impressed. Are they heavy?"
"It's made out of silver and partly gold, so yes." Alexandra answered. She was going to say 'if you hit someone with it then it would hurt' become knew from experience but she didn't. Josephine looked know that her pocket watch, that belonged to her Father and said "Nice meeting you but I need to get going." She stood up and walked away.
She enjoyed talking to James and it made it even better that he seemed to have no idea as to why she was and that why she needed to go. She needed to get away, in case he remembers her and she didn't want him to know. She finally had a conversation with someone who wasn't overthinking what they was doing because of who she was. Because she was born a Princess.
