'Hey, uh, what would you say if I told you I got a new boyfriend?' Gerard was rocking back and forth beside me, looking as if he could shit himself any second. I tensed, though he didn't seem to notice.
'I- I'd be happy for you.' I replied, desperately trying to hide the shake in my voice. 'Friends are always pleased for friends.'
'It's just, we never officially split up.' He said, looking at me nervously. I tried to act as though we'd never held hands, never kissed, never shared our love for one another. Our romance had been dead for months, but part of me had still clung on nonetheless.
His phone rang. 'It's my dad. I gotta go.'
*
I sobbed into the water, letting the heat burn away my sorrows. My heart yearned for Gerard, who was probably with his new boyfriend right now, kissing his hands, his cheeks, his soft lips. 'Why us?' I whispered, dunking my head in the scolding water and taking a deep breath in. 'Why us?'
If I'd never left the house, would I have ended up like this? Because life would have been different. I had just told him I loved him then and there, would we have ended up like this? Because life would have been different.
I had been so sure Gerard was my soulmate. I thought I'd marry him. Thought I'd grow old with him. I thought I'd lose my virginity to him but yet here I was, sitting in boiling water, tears streaming down my reddening face.
*two years later*
It's been a week since I last spoke to Gerard. I found out he'd moved onto another man since the last. Mikey sat in front of me, a bottle of beer in his hand. 'Happy new year, Frank.' He said quitely, watching me sob heavily into my knees.
'Y-y-you too Mikes.'
Some part of me always believed Gerard had loved me still. Even when we never spoke, or when our conversations were short and lifeless. I thought I held a chance still, despite our paths never crossing, our fingers never intertwining, the knowledge that I was pining for a man who could never love somebody like me. Somebody destined to live alone. My chest heaved and I fould myself unable to breathe, the weight of two painful years pressing down on me. 'Mikey, I really thought we'd work out!' I choked. Mikey gave me a sympathetic glance. I'd remained friends with Mikey even after mine and Gerard's split. He'd understood my pain, and had been on my side ever since.
'These things happen. It's out of our control.' He said.
'But I wanna be in control. I want him! I want my Gee back!'
Minutes turned to an hour and still I sat on the cold kitchen floor, my family happily celebrating the brand new year. Mikey was sitting before me still, drinking champagne and talking with his girlfriend, Alicia. At least my best friend wasn't alone. At least he still had light behind his eyes.
I wanted whatever he had. In joy and in friendship, I was jealous. I envied him so badly and so desperately that I was unable to even look at him. What kind of person was I? I should hate myself.
'Dear Frank,
You are the kindest, most amazing person I have ever met. You are so beautiful and so lovely. I love you!!
I bet you're gonna become a famous guitarist with your talent. Baby, you're so amazing. I love you so much
- Gee xxxxxxxx
I read the note over and over, my eyes prickling with tears. I remembered the day he'd slipped the letter into my hand when we were children. We had been so in love. And now? Now I was alone. So fucking alone. Alone and decked out in black. What happened to me?
*Mikey's pov*
I watched Frank through the crack in my door. He was bent over, the tears trickling silently down his face. Frank was beautiful. I'd liked him for years, but knew there was no chance of us being together. He was my brother's boyfriend for two long years, and when that ended, Frank had loved Gerard with his whole heart. I understood his hurt. Understood his feelings as I lived through them everyday.
'I love you Frankie.' I mumbled, and I turned away, crying with him.
Mikey: gerard, we have to talk. Now.
Gerard: what's wrong Mikes?
Mikey: Call me. This is very important!
'Mikey, what the hell is this?
'Gerard, you have to speak to Frank again.'
'He's my ex boyfriend! It's always so damn awkward. And plus, you know he doesn't want to talk to me.'
'Oh, I think he does.'
'No. I'm not talking to him. I've moved on.'
'He loves you Gee.'
'Fuck- well, I-'
'You love him too.'
'I really don't. I moved on like, two fucking years ago. Think, Mikey, think. Why the hell would I still love him?
'Just talk to him then. As friends.
'No. Happy new year, and goodbye!'
Gerard hung up the phone. Can't say I didn't try. Feeling empty, I lay down on my bed and cried. My body shook, my head throbbed and pounded. It felt like I was about to split in two. I hated Gerard so much. I hated his stupid ego, his unwillingness to talk to Frank. I hated him so, so much. And then, I hated myself for hating my brother. Somebody who had always kissed my knee when I fell over and beat up my bullies. Gerard had always been there for me but I hated him. So, so much. But he hurt my Frankie, and nobody hurts my Frankie.
