Next thing I know, the doors are opened and the housekeeper walks out. Familiar, too familiar eyes lock with mine. And I don't know what's happening to me, but it's no good. I feel like strangling him. One, for all the heartbreak I've gone through because of him and two, for all he has caused me this night.
I don't hesitate. When he stands in front of me, I shove his body with one push. And he stands still.
"It's good seeing you."
His voice. His voice, his voice, his voice.
Blood pumps through my veins like crazy. It brings back way too much. The softness of his voice, but also the roughness. How can such opposite characteristics result into such a heartwarming sound to the ears. I hate what it does to me, what memories it recalls.
Especially the memories it recalls.
The last time I heard his voice this soft was the night we lay in bed in my dorm in winter, when it was utterly cold outside. The grounds and yards where barely visible due to all the fog and rain. We had talked for hours that night. He held me close to him. He played with my hand. He stroked it. Gently. And I couldn't help but fall more and more for this unbelievably attractive guy. He was the one i was sure of it. I realised it as we got older.
But he ruined it.
Ruined me.
Used me.
But that wouldn't happen again.
"I have an offer for you."
"Offer declined. Open the gates and let me go." I reply with no hesitation and he doesn't show any signs of surprise or shock at my tone.
"You're that eager to leave? Don't even want to hear what I have to offer? Whoever you're running home to must be doing a good job, because-"
And I shove him again. Before he can finish what he has to say. But this time, I'm doing it harder. And he actually stumbles back a few steps.
I step close to him, only a few inches apart from his chest. "You have no right." I say, clenching my fists at my side, trying to contain my growing irritation. "You have absolutely no right to say such thing. I'm no longer a part of your life anymore and will never be. So open the f'ing gates, Draco."
"You stand up for yourself." He thinks loud. "So the rumours are true. You have indeed changed."
He grabs my chin into his palm in one swift move, his thumb digging painfully into my cheek and in a second, we are so close our noses might touch. A wave of goosebumps erupt on my entire skin.
"Draco." I grit out in a low tone.
"(Y/n)" he replies and looks me in the eyes. "I have plans. Without the information you own, we wont be able to come close to the goal."
"Oh. So you need me for your big plans. And therefore you wanna use me. Again."
A muscle in his jaw ticks. "Stop wording it that way."
"Let me go." I grit out, still in his grip.
"I can't." He almost pants.
"Draco. Let. Go."
"It's been two years. I have changed."
"And I believe you a lot." I reply sarcastically. "Let go of me. I'm not asking."
"I didn't use you for your body, (y/n). I meant it with you. I did."
The rage intensifies. I almost shake in utter anger. With both fists, I punch his shoulders. "You are un- fucking- believable! Bullshit! You're only saying that because you need me now. I know what I heard. 'I didn't mean it.' , 'You are only an exciting school fling for me, nothing more.' was fucking enough to tell me, Draco! In fact, you couldn't have been more clear with your words and what your intentions were."
"I needed to do it. It was the best for both of us."
"Stop telling me lies, Draco!" I punch the arm that still has a hold of my face. "I'm not getting hurt by you again!" It's more of a self-reminder, a slap to reality, out of the haze his eyes, touch and scent have got me into.
"Do you remember when we sat in my room for hours, telling each other jokes." He goes on.
I'm shaking my head violently. A sting in my gut. "Shut up!" I whisper harshly and close my eyes tightly.
"Remember when we spent time in your dorm and then in mine? When we talked for hours into the night? Listened to the rain? When I held you until you fell asleep?"
"No. No. No. Stop. No." I mutter more to myself, trying to overpower his voice, so that I won't have to hear his.
"All the things we have done together, (y/n), as kids, as lovers, as soulmates, have meant something to me. Every single thing we have done together has meant more to me than you could ever think of. I haven't had one peaceful sleep after what I had to say to you, after the way I broke you and I know I did. But believe me when I say, it broke me just as much because it wasn't my choice. You knew how I grew up. You knew that one day, my family would cut things off between us for their own benefit."
I refuse to believe, so I keep shaking my head. He cups my face. Unshed tears burn my eyes, so I have to open them. My eyes burn and tears start to slip. I don't like what I'm hearing. These past two years I have blamed him. Now he's here, right in front of me, forcing different reasonings into my ears while my brain is melting.
"I would have never-" The confidence in his voice dies and I hear the emotional, more human part. "I would have never hurt you. It was all against my will, (y/n)." His voice grows softer.
I push him once. Harshly. And then once more. His hands let go of my face and fall to his side. He lets me shove him. "But you did! You don't know how this feels. You don't. Everyday I thought it was me. I loathed myself for longer than enough. But it wasn't my fault. You made me blame myself. You left me. And that after saying the most hurtful things." I inhale sharply, looking into his eyes, his eyelids low, making him look done and tired. "You looked me in the eyes, Draco. You looked at me and told me that you used me. The coldness and emptiness in your eyes whipped the breath from my lungs in that moment and I thought I just died because everything in that moment stopped."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that!"
"I'm sorry, (y/n). I'm really sorry."
"I don't forgive you."
"Sorry." He whispers, coming closer.
I wipe my face with my sleeve.
"I know, I know." He mutters as I sniffle. He brings my head to his chest. I wanna push him away, I try so, but he's too strong. His jaw rests on my head. "It's okay."
"It's not." I muffle and sniffle again. "I hate you."
"I know." He whispers in between as I continue.
"I hate you. I hate you so much. I really hate you."
"I know." He accepts. "I hate myself too."
My shallow breathing is the only thing to be heard profoundly as I take deep breaths against his heaving chest. He kisses my head. My brain keeps screaming at me to fight and how wrong this is. But unfortunately, my heart has settled here a long time ago and made it tougher to leave.
"I love you. Still." His voice vibrates against my temple softly.
Oh, Draco. As I wish to be out of your hands to protect my own heart, why does it crave you, your warm touch and voice.
Why does it beat for you when it should beat for me?
—————-
I know the ending isn't the best, just like the title, and I haven't updated in what seems like forever, but I hope you liked this one :]
Used?
Start from the beginning
