Praying in whispers

My Parents souls

Its midnight, a new year. My siblings join their hands together, the youngest one reaching her hand out towards me so I can join. Outside we hear the whizzing and whooshing of fireworks but we dare not peek, we know the rules. Instead, we pray with our heads bowed and our eyes shut. We pray in whispers. 

"Dear Lord please look after our Mama and Papa and make sure they eat in heaven"

"Please let Massa be kind to us this year Lord"

"Please let me stay in the big house Lord because the lady likes me very much"

Tears silently streak down my face as I listen to my siblings' prayers. We shouldn't have to live with this, we shouldn't have had to lose our parents, I shouldn't be the grown-up here. 

I'm only twelve. 

Both my ma and pa died this year. My Ma was weak, we spent all day, every day out in the sun picking Tobacco and cotton with no rest and our portion of food was decreasing by the day. My Ma, she was resilient though, she was tough. But soon she was unable to even raise her hand without it shaking violently. And one day she just didn't wake up. My Pa told us that Our Lord Savior had taken her home so she didn't have to work so hard anymore.  That's just inadvertently telling us she's dead. 

My Pa hated the word dead but that's what he is, he's dead. Massa shot him straight between his eyes, I saw it all. That's why you don't fight with Massa because Massa owns a gun and you don't. My Pa was mad in the head. He was actually yelling at Massa. I think I have a little of what he has, I want to yell too. My father was angry because Massa wanted to take me upstairs like he used to take my mother. I never got to see what was upstairs but I don't think it was Good, I think it's some sort of human drainer because my mum always used to come back looking drained and upset. I don't want to go upstairs I want to stay outside.

Outside was harsh yes, hot and you had to do a lot of work but it was better than always being in the face of Massa because he would tell you off for every little thing you did. Plenty of the other slaves have scars from being whipped, Massa loves whipping people and when he's bored he does it just for the fun of it. That's why at First we were scared when my youngest brother got called into the house, he's only seven. But then we knew he was fine because Massa's mother likes our brother a lot and sneaks him sweet foods and even books. She's teaching him to read and he's teaching my other brother. My father taught me but when Massa found out both our hands were whipped so my Pa never tried it again. Now I have dark lines on my hand to forever remind me of my Pa. 

I never got to say goodbye to my parents because Massa got the others to drag their bodies away, I don't know where their bodies are but I don't think it matters because I know their souls are in heaven. Every night me and my brothers talk to them, we just tell them little things we've learned and how much we love them. I know they are listening. And they're telling me to get vengeance. Vengeance for their deaths, for the deaths before them, and the ones coming. For being called a monster daily because of the colour of my skin, the texture of my hair, where I came from, and where I'm at. 

As my siblings' whispers die out I give them a shaky smile. But I look around at their scrawny bodies and their hollow faces, as I look at the grief in their eyes and the sadness in the corners of their smiles I feel the anger bubble up. It is hot, red, and poisonous and it almost makes me choke. As I lay my siblings down in our little straw bed and kiss them goodnight I make a few resolutions for myself this year. 

1. Grow up - I need to grow up if I want to be a Good mother to my siblings

2. I need to deal with all the people that call me a monster - for my parents and for my siblings

And best be known, I will.

Fire death and anguish shall reign.