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forgiveness

My heart fell down into my stomach at the past tense four letter word, adding an extra letter to make it easier for the knife to slip inside, "Loved?" I whispered brokenly.

They also said that the first step to forgiveness is realizing that some people are just idiots. I guess now I wore that branding across my forehead, written in red sharpie. I was an idiot. I had her love and I ruined it and then returned it as a weapon forged to slay her heart and her trust. I didn't deserve her forgiveness.

"You don't... you don't love me anymore?" I croaked, trying to force down the lump in my throat.

Y/n sighed, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned back against the hallway wall, the same one where our pictures were hung. Now it just felt like all the eyes were watching our little interaction. Oh how I wished I could teleport myself into one of those little happy memories. But maybe I'd only destroy those too.

"Of course I still love you. You don't just wake up one day and stop loving a person. At least, not in the beginning."

"Y/n, I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean for anything to happen between us. We just spent so much time together on set and one thing led to another and-"

"How long?" y/n asked, her once teary eyes becoming stone cold. It would be a lie if I said I wasn't scared just a little bit.

"W-what?" I stammered.

"You heard me. How. Long."

I swallowed, "T-three months."

Y/n snorted out a laugh through her nose and shook her head, "Okay." She said before turning on her heel and heading down the hallway once again with me hot on her trail.

"Okay? That's all you have to say?"

Y/n turned around fast and I bumped into her, taking a step back, "What do you want me to say? You cheated! You fucked up! Do you expect me to wrap you in my arms, rub my hands across your back and tell you that everything is going to be okay? Well newsflash, it's not. We're not. There will never be an us again. You made sure of that. A whole year and a half of us being together and you just threw it away so you know what, I'm done. I'm done packing up your shit and sifting through memories I wish to now forget. So you can do it. And I hope you fucking choke on every tear."

Y/n brushed past me angrily, heading towards the front door. I was following her like a lost puppy. She slipped on her beat up vans and put on her brother's racing jacket, her keys jingling in her hand.

"Y/n wait! Please!" I begged, "Don't go!" I pleaded, feeling my knees buckle and I thought I might throw up the salad I had for lunch today.

Y/n didn't look back. She didn't even seem phased that I was calling her name or about to crumble right in front of her and why should she? The woman slammed the door shut behind her and the picture of us hanging on the wall fell, the glass cracking into little slivers over y/n's smiling face.

I was left to clean up the mess I made.

Y/n was always so much better at forgiveness than I was. I held a grudge against all the people that had ever done me wrong. Y/n always tried to see the better and the good in people even if they were complete assholes. She gave everyone her full trust despite the many times she was hurt. Her soul was beautiful. Pure. She could look through all the evil and still smile at a person. It was one of the things I loved about her. I guess Heaven gained another angel whereas I would be sentenced to live in Hell, never to see my love again even in the afterlife.

I sat in the back, keeping to myself away from everyone and their tear stained faces and shit talking mouths. I saw the stares. I heard the whispers. I couldn't look at y/n's mother or father, sisters or brothers without seeing how broken and fragile she looked that night. If only she stayed five more seconds or her car wouldn't start. Something to keep her from this awful fate.

I walked down the aisle, one foot in front of the other as I mindlessly carried myself and the weight of my grief to her casket. Was this my punishment? As far as punishments go this one was cruel. But was I not deserving? I was.

"I know my sorrys mean nothing now. I'm sure they meant nothing then. I made a mistake, one I don't want forgiveness for. But this... this was never my intention. I didn't intend for you to be my little secret. I'm sorry I couldn't just not care what people thought about me. I'm sorry that I was worried about my career when I should have been worried about you. About us. I should be in there instead of you. I don't know why the good ones always get the short end of the stick but I promise you that man will pay for what he has done. I'll make sure of it. I love you y/n. Even in death. I will always love you."

I allowed one tear to slip down my cheek and I stopped myself from reaching into the casket to hold her hand one last time. With one final glance, I left the funeral home to head back to the cold womb of the apartment we shared, our pictures and belongings still hung on the walls and my boxes still packed and ready to transport on the living room floor. The final report was that y/n left to go and clear her head, speeding down the roads of los angeles she was hit and killed instantly by a drunk driver. I'm sure somewhere in her heart she would've found forgiveness for him too.

They say there is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love. But my love is gone and here I wallow in the pit of myself, holding a grudge against the person in the mirror.

jennaortega☑️

jennaortega: I wish this wasn't so long overdue but it is and it's my fault. So, listen up world, this girl right here, she's the most amazing and loving girl I have ever had the chance to meet and fall in love with in my entire twenty years of existence. I wish I could say I'm gonna spend the next twenty plus years loving you endlessly with you by my side, but all I can say is I will love you for the rest of my life. I love you (your full name). Always.

a/n: oh the angst