Journal of A large-boned girl

Age 17

To my diary,

Life is... shitty, busy and I'm already sick of being me and having to merely cope, day-by-day.
Mentally wasting away while no one could be bothered noticing the signs.

I needed to do my VCE (Victorian Certificate of Education) over three years because not enough units from my previous year were recognised.

So, facing year eleven, I'm also cooking, cleaning up, doing dishes and washing for her two sons (my half brothers) and herself.
The stress has started to get to me.
My GP says I am Manic Depressive. I can't sleep, I'm anxious and having panic attacks, not wanting to leave my room.

Agoraphobia, they call it.
The doctor says it driven from my anxiety and inability to cope with more than two or three people at a time.

I try my best, but I'm in almost my 18th month of not being able to leave the house.
I'm beginning to be angry at myself for my simple inability to survive in public places.
My inability to share my emotional load with anyone.

I'm lonely. Everyday..

And I honestly, just want to feel supported..
Why does my mother make me her slave?
Why did my Father have to send me back to the house of abuse and never look back?

My Mamma always sides with my mother - always.
My Pa though? Is my barrier between the two women and survival code.

I'm angry.
Too angry.

I've already hurt myself and don't really want to end my life.

I need help. I want to feel supported.

I just... I dunno..