Neal was trying to quickly get ready for work this morning, but nothing was working.
There wasn't a single shirt nor pair of pants that didn't make him want to rip his own skin off. He was already almost late to work, and his hair were tangled, not much but enough for it to hurt when Neal tried to brush them but was losing patience. He could hear everything that was going on in the street, which would have made sense if his brain allowed him to understand that one of the windows was open, but he didn't remember opening it, and the constant buzzing sound of electricity that was making his ears ring wouldn't stop. And on top of that he couldn't find the right tie to go with the only pair of socks he had left, that wouldn't be that much of a problem normally but now he already had too much of everything.
All of that after waking up, thanks to their current case, about prison. Well, more precisely about his first months in prison, knowing that he had to get used to live like that for the next four years in a maximum-security prison because he was an escape risk. He didn't get in an only sell right away, and he didn't get put with the best sell mate. At least he soon enough made friends with the Gard and was able to get a cell for himself, but it took a while.
And now peter was calling, probably to tell him that he was indeed late to work and to have his sorry ass in the bureau in the next 10 minutes if he didn't want to go back in his good old sell. Well, that was Neal imagination stressing him out, in reality Peter really was just calling to ask him if he wanted a lift to work.
When his phone rang for the third time that was the straw that broke the camel's back, Neal ended up throwing everything on the floor, including clothes and phone, curl himself and scratch his back to try and get the awful feeling of itching away. He only did it for only a couple of seconds before starting to hit his head a few times before being stopped by Canvas putting her paw on one of his arms.
Only a few things weren't too much when he was already overstimulated and luckily Canvas was one of them. She was actually, usually, the best to help him calm down from it, and from a lot of other things then just sensory overload. Nightmares, PTSD attacks, panic attacks and a lot more were things that she could help him with.
Just because he doesn't show it doesn't mean he don't struggle, actually the fact that he hid it all that much is even worse because when he spends the whole day masking and acting like everything is alright, it just ends up all catching him up at the end of the days or just when he's alone, his mental would have already gave up if it wasn't for the times with Canvas, Mozzie or even June when he allows himself to be his own true self. But since he had been masking for most of his life now, it wasn't really that hard, becoming almost a reflex, which was pretty sad when you think about it.
Pretending to be someone you are not all day long, acting like an edited version of yourself to suit people around you, is way more damaging than people would think it is.
He was biting the sides of his nails again. Mozzie had told him he should get a chewy sensory toy once, because of his habit to bite his nails or fingers when he's anxious most of the time, like right now, and taking off bits of his skin, sometimes leaving them bleeding but Neal didn't want to, saying it was something too childish to have. Anyway.
After a few minutes of trying to take deep breaths while hugging his dog like it was the only thing keeping him alive, Neal was finally able to tell himself that he didn't have to clean up everything now, the through of it being already overwhelming enough to make him almost tear up of frustration again.
-Okay, alright, okay. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and breathe out.
---
-You have dog fur on your pants. Peter commented after a while of being sat as his desk with Neal-who-can't-sit-still-to-save-his-life Caffrey who had just stopped spinning in his chair.
-Hum? Oh yeah, must be from Bugsy. Neal tried to stay concentrated, but it was more like fighting against his own brain at that point because the words on the file literally looked like they were dancing.
-Neal, are you alright? You don't look great. Peter said taking a closer look at Neal, the dark circle under his eyes were not really noticeable if you weren't looking closely and the way some of his hairs were almost falling in front on his eyes would pass as normal to anyone who didn't knew him, but Peter did notice. Always keep an eye on your CI, that's how you know if they're planning something.
-Yeah, I'm okay, I just didn't sleep very well last night, don't worry. He put on a reassuring smile to be sure that Peter would believe him.
Of course, he didn't sleep well, having nightmare about prison is not always super relaxing. And not only that but he couldn't find a single shirt nor pants that didn't make him wants to rip his own skin off. So, when you are almost ready and then suddenly you end up almost completely naked rocking on your couch because everything is too much isn't really the starter of an amazing day.
-Oh, well then you better get a coffee, the day's going to be long.
-Yeah, if you let me go to the coffee shop, I'll get you one too...
-Fine, but do that quickly
-It won't take more than 15 minutes. And with that he took his hat and headed to the elevator to get them a coffee that would be way better than the ones they could get at the station.
