Unsaid Family

Dear The Fosters Family,
I'm writing this after two weeks of me being in a high risk juvie center. And I know I messed up. I have done nothing but mess up since the day I was born. But that's besides the point. I've been hoping to see you guys on visiting days but since you haven't showed these past two weeks, I guess I messed up more than I originally thought. I try asking the guards, or anyone if they've heard from you but it's the same response.
"They aren't coming". I know I messed up and I know I'm not perfect in anyway, but I really believed what Steph said to me. I believed that I wasn't worthless or disposable, but I guess the more I messed up the more that wasn't true. These past two weeks without any visitors has given me time to get lost in the constant pain I feel in my head. After convincing the guards to give me a pen, and they supervised me the whole time I wrote this. I felt safe with you. Until I, like I always do, I went and ruined what I had. How I messed up, how all I ever do is run away from my problems, how I pushed everyone who cared away, how I'm just a fucked up person who can't be saved and how sorry I am for ruining part of your life. And how I won't ever get to say sorry because you won't visit me and I deserve that. I deserve to rot in here with no one. So here is my apology.

Jesus; as we weren't close, I considered you my brother. Anyone who took care of my brother was family. You did that. And I can't repay you. You were always there to make me laugh, and to protect your family. And I'm sorry for never really getting to know you. And I'm sorry I left Jude to be protected by you and the rest of your family. Please continue to look after him.

Brandon; you helped me love music again. You were the first to be nice to me. You were there for me all the time. And I couldn't be happier. I'm sorry I fucked up your life. Sorry I caused problems with your family, and friends. It wasn't fair to you or your family. I'm sorry for it all. Just one last request before you forget me, please look after Jude, Jesus will do a good job but I want Jude to have all the support he can get.

Mariana; I've never had a sister but you filled the roll perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better one. I cherished every moment we had. We didn't always get along but when we did, it was always the highlight of my day. Thank you for always being open and welcoming to my brother. He loves you. He loves everyone but he definitely loves you a lot! I'm sorry we won't be able to reach our dream. I'm sorry we won't move to LA together and share an apartment. It was a great dream but you'll find another roommate to achieve that dream with. I'm sorry for causing problems with you. And even during our fights you would be the first to hug me and say sorry... and I love that! So thank you and I'm sorry.

Jude; what can I say. Your my brother and always will be. No matter where you or I go I'm always with you. I'm sorry I ruined every home we ever had. But it's better for you to be with the Fosters without me. I want you to grow up with them and forget me. I'm a low life and will always be that, you have a chance as a high life and I want you to enjoy it. And be selfish with it. I love you, and I'm sorry I won't see you grow up.

Lena and Steph; I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. The running away, the secrets, the disobedience, the heart break, the drama, the pain. I'm sorry for existing. Your lives were better without me in them. Lena I appreciate you taking me in but you shouldn't have. It would've been better. You taking a chance on me meant the world but it wasn't worth the pain I put you and Steph through. And Steph, I'm sorry for even knowing you. I looked up to you and I didn't look up to many people, but that was a mistake. I caused to much trouble and I'm sorry. I wish I could go back. Maybe to when Liam raped me. Maybe I'd wish he would've killed me too. I don't know. All I know is I'm glad I wasn't adopted by you because I wouldn't want you to have a daughter like me. I'm a disappointment. Always have been always will be. And like you said Steph, maybe I'm supposed to be in prison, that's what I deserve. You weren't wrong, I deserve nothing except rotting in a jail cell. And if being in here for the past two weeks has taught me anything ,it is that I'm worthless and disposable. I don't amount to anything. My finally request is to love Jude enough for both of us. And for you to forget me. I'm sorry I fucked up everything. I'm just fucked up. And there is no fixing or saving me.

Please live a happy, healthy life. One where I'm forgotten, because I don't want you to be reminded of the painful and disgusting thought of a failed low life foster kid.