Without You (Steddie)

Chapter 5

A/N; this took me way too long to write and I'm sorry.

TW; mentions of self harm, suicide, stitches, blood, trauma

Dustin is angry. Irrationally, understandably angry. At me. At this whole situation. He's been ranting for a solid 20 minutes about how undeniably stupid I've been and how selfish I am.

He's not wrong.

He's never fucking wrong about anything and it's not fair what I've done.

"I just. I'm sorry I shouldn't be yelling at you. I just don't know what the fuck to do without you Steve. You've been just... gone for 6 fucking months and left m- all of us out here on our own. We needed you."

"I'm sorry Dustin... I am..."

"You should be. You damn well should be. You're killing yourself. You're killing yourself and you don't even care."

"I-"

"No. Just. Tell me you're going to sober up. Tell me you're going to come back. I want my best friend back. I want my brother back."

Tears sting my eyes at the sides like I haven't spent the last 6 months trying to push them down. Like I haven't spent every moment alone trying to stop them. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to hurt everyone around me for the sake of my own self pity.

But god, god I wanna fucking see Eddie again. I would do anything to spend just one more moment. To tell him I'm sorry. To tell him I was stupid and fucking scared that I could care about him more than just a friend.

For him to not pretend like he never knew me.

For me to stop pretending I never knew him.

I did know him. Maybe not him now, all these years later. But I did know who he was. The first person to show me kindness. Show me apathy. Appreciation for something so stupid and small as offering me an umbrella. A hand to hold. A chance to look completely ridiculous in front of a school full of strangers.

Things I never got from my family.

He helped me and I abandoned him.

I abandoned him twice.

If I would have just stayed with him and Dustin it would be me instead. It could have been me.

"I can try to get better Dustin... I just... I need help. I need a lot of help. And I don't know if I can ask..."

"We're all still here for you Steve. We've never left." He comes over to the bedside grabbing my hand gently.

What have I done? I broke this kids heart.

Robin has been staring down at the floor for what seems to be an eternity. "We can help. You just have to let us."

"You can go stay with the Byers or with me and my mom. She won't mind, you know she loves the shit out of you. Get the fuck out of that house. We can help you Steve, you just have to be willing to let go."

Let go?

Of drinking? Of the drugs?

Of Eddie? No. Not Eddie.

"I'd love to see you as yourself again, sweetheart."

"You're still here? How're you... did you follow me here?"

"Steve who're you talking to?" Dustin looks genuinely worried. "It's... it's Eddie. Robin and El told you about what's going on, right?"

"Well yes, but... I wasn't expecting to actually hear you talking to him."