Top Bunk

DAY 27

"Just," El feels the awkwardness settle around them, "calm down, okay?" Yes, how oh so helpful of her.

Grace hums, turning now so she's facing El. Her breaths slow slightly. She tries to smile, but a grimace is what it comes out as. Grace looks utterly helpless like this and El can't stand it. Her nose is wet, suddenly, and she realizes she's crying too. Fuck.

She wipes at her eyes. "Do you need anything?" El asks, shocked at how even her voice sounds. "Water? An inhaler? I swear to god I brought my old inhaler but it's expired and - " El's words die in her throat when she looks back at Grace to see that the pink nightgown-clad girl is sat up now.

"I-I'm fine," Grace says. Even she doesn't seem to believe her own words. But she's shaking less. Color has slowly gone back to her cheeks. The sunlight beginning to come in through the window makes her glow.

"Good," El says lamely. Her knee is four inches away from Grace's foot. That's the closest they've been to each other in days. El tries not to let it get to her head.

"This h-happens a lot," Grace explains. "I-I stop g-getting the dreams for - for awhile and then - and then I...I - " She starts trembling again.

"Grace," El says, letting a small, reassuring smile tug at her lips. "Shut up."

Grace shoots her a dirty look - well, she tries to. "Maybe s-some water would h-help," she admits.

El nods, and rises immediately, somehow relieved at the distance she's able to put between them. She busies herself with taking the (pink) cup Grace usually uses to rinse her mouth out, and filling it with the cold water of the bathroom sink. Her own hands are shaking slightly, and her heart is pounding in her ears, and she can't wipe the tiny smile off her face.

"Here." El hands Grace the cup.

Grace takes it gratefully, gulping the water down like she'd do with beer or marshmallow vodka. Her tense shoulders loosen. Her chest doesn't heave as extremely. Her arms have stopped quivering. "Thanks," she says when she's put the cup down.

"You okay now?" El doesn't mean to sound impatient but it sure does sound that way. It's just that she's kind of scared right now. That's it.

"I - I think so." Grace sighs. Playing with the hem of her nightgown, she says, "I'm sorry."

El wants to fling herself into the lake. "F-for what?" For fuck's sake, she shouldn't be nervous. This is just Grace. Her on-and-off enemy, apparently. The girl she has a so-called huge flaming lesbian crush on. The one who was having a fucking panic attack a few minutes ago.

"For putting you through this." Grace means the whole panic attack ordeal, but El can sense that she implies more than that.

El just jerks her head, praying to whoever will listen that her face isn't as red as she thinks it is. "That's okay."

Grace heaves a heavy sigh - still slightly shaky. "Can we talk?"

Yes. Please. "Don't you need to rest or something? Get you to the infirmary - ?"

"No, not really. I'm used to it. I've had panic - uh, this sort of thing happen before."

"I never pegged you as the sort." El, please for the love of god, stop sounding so damn terrified.

"Mm." Grace purses her lips. "So can we? Talk?"

El hopes she just imagines her heart falling into her stomach. "Yeah. Okay. Sure."

"I'm sorry," Grace says again.

"That's fi - "

Grace puts a hand up. "Don't." She scoots closer to El and with every inch she's closing between them, the more El can't find air to take in. "I'm sorry...for being a bitch."