Watching the Doctor

World Enough and Time

The Doctor shuffled in her seat, likely trying to decide whether to keep trying to stall the conversation or give in. Rose didn't give her a chance to decide, pushing on.

"What happened after I left Doctor?"

"You didn't leave Rose." The Doctor snorted degradingly.

Rose just sighed, "Maybe not by choice but there wasn't anything we could do about it."

"You found a way back." The Doctor attempted to argue, not even knowing what point they were trying to make.

"I did, and in the end I still went back. I don't belong here the same way I used to. We both know that."

Based on the look the Doctor gave her, she knew but didn't necessarily have to enjoy that fact.

"Poor Martha having to deal with you." Rose crossed her arms, trying to get to the crux of the matter. "Why did you take my departure so bad, Doctor? I'm hardly the first person to leave you."

The Doctor took a deep breath, eyes anywhere but Rose, she seemed reluctant to answer but Rose was patient and willing to wait.

"I don't know."

"We both know that's a lie. You may not know, but you have a good idea why you reacted the way you did." Rose prodded with a stern look telling the Doctor they weren't leaving until she got an actual answer.

"After the Time War, when I thought I'd killed everyone, I spent a lot of time on my own. Eventually the silence eats away at you." The Doctor started slowly, eyes still not meeting Rose's. "Then I met you, and you reminded me of who I was before the war. Of all the people I'd travelled with and loved. You reminded me what it was like to be the Doctor. So, I latched on tight. When you went, I think I was scared I would lose myself again."

Rose nodded, not saying anything to interrupt the Doctor's story.

The Doctor continued, "Then I met Martha. And she was brilliant. Absolutely amazing but young and naïve in a way many of the people I travel with are at the beginning. She was distracted with her crush, and I was trying to use her to remind myself to be the Doctor but I could never shake the fear that I was lost alongside you. Martha was right when she said we weren't healthy for each other. I didn't treat her right. Things might be different now, we've both grown as people, but I guess we'll never know."

"Oh Doctor." Rose whispered, unsure what exactly to say to her declaration. Then she knew, "I understand. When I was first stranded on the other world, I struggled to figure out what to do. Working out a way to get back here took over everything, it distracted me from feeling anything for a while. Then after everything and I was stuck there for a second time, I felt lost. Not sure what to do with myself. For so long I'd been doing these incredible things and seeing amazing places with you, it took me a while to work out how to just be myself again. How to enjoy life. It's difficult but I did it, and you did too. These things just take time."

The Doctor finally met her eyes, a small smile peaking at her lips. "We're just a bit broken, aren't we?"

Rose shook her head, "No, it is called being human. There's nothing wrong with feeling things, you just have to learn how to deal with your feelings in a healthy way."

The pair sat in a comfortable silence for several moments, enjoying the brief moment of peace away from the rest of the world. It had been a long time since it was just the two of them.

"We should probably go join the others." The Doctor sighed, breaking the silence.

"We should." Neither moved.

"Doctor?" Rose broke the silence that had settled on the pair again, "You should tell Martha. She deserves an explanation."

"She deserves a lot more than that." The Doctor agreed with a sad smile.