we're not on the map but we're on our way

2/3

They listen to Spencer's words, they both know that they are true, but they both fail to grasp them.

* * *

Brendon wakes up under the covers, stretching on the bed. He opens his eyes and looks across the room to see Jon and Spencer on the other bed, and during the night Jon has wrapped himself around Spencer protectively. Brendon closes his eyes and stays still, waiting for the others to wake up.

He isn't as blind as the others think he is. He doesn't know why Ryan disappeared, he doesn't know what Jon is running from, and he doesn't know where Spencer is going, but he sees the way Spencer is hiding his head in Jon's chest, and he knows and envies. It almost seems unfair to him because Jon and Spencer both are strong, and he isn't strong. He is the one who needs someone.

Brendon never did anything on purpose. He tried to be a good son, but he didn't know how to please them. It never was good enough. They didn't throw him out simply because of that one mistake, it was much more complicated than that. The mistake was just the icing on the cake, on top of a pile of Brendon's other mistakes over the years. He was supposed to protect, but he had looked the other way. He hadn't done it on purpose.

He sighs and wraps himself tighter in the white sheets. He briefly glances at Jon and Spencer again. Are they gay? He's never met anyone gay before. He isn't sure how he feels about that, the thought, in all honesty, irks him out a little. It's just weird, but, for the millionth time, he reminds himself he is in no position to judge. He has never kissed anyone, neither does he know much of anything sex related. Now he has been thrown into the real world, and Brendon knows what is going on with Jon and Spencer. It almost shocks him how easily people do these things because Jon and Spencer barely know each other. You're supposed to know them better than you do yourself, it's supposed to be the person you're going to live your life with. Brendon concludes that people have different values. For some, it's not a big deal.

Maybe he was brought up wrong. Maybe it really isn't. Or maybe gay people just sleep around a lot, he can recall his mother once saying something along the lines.

They go to a diner for breakfast. Brendon's running out of money now, and he feels his life slowly collapsing on top of him. He is still swimming, but his clothes are slowly pulling him underwater. He gets pancakes and scrambled eggs with some tea, and he doesn't say much. Jon keeps blowing on his cup of coffee, waiting for it to cool down. He keeps telling Spencer to eat more, but Spencer complains of a lack of appetite.

Jon pays for breakfast, Spencer pays for the food they buy for the road ahead, and Brendon mutters about getting some money out in the next town.

They kick off late. It's the quietest day yet. Jon and Ryan went hours without speaking, but this is different. They didn't want to speak, but now the silence in the car is hopeful. Jon and Spencer expect Brendon to break it, but Brendon doesn't. He sits in the backseat, staring at his hands. He is just a child whose parents have abandoned him and the realisation is only sinking in.

They stop twice, once to piss on the side of the road, a second to stretch their legs and change drivers. Jon lets Brendon drive as the sun is slowly going down in the horizon. They'll be in Delmont the day after tomorrow.

Jon falls asleep and when he wakes up, it's dark outside. He blinks and rubs his aching neck, taking a look around. The car is empty. The engine is off, they are somewhere on the side of a road, and he frowns. The moon is high in the sky, and it must be the middle of the night. Jon looks out the window and he sees two silhouettes moving. He unbuckles himself and gets outside.

Spencer and Brendon talk in raised voices, but silence when they see Jon coming.

"Why've we stopped?" Jon asks, his voice heavy with sleep.