we're not on the map but we're on our way

2/3

Spencer has been angry. He has the right to be angry because it's not right to have an existential crisis at his age. It's all his father's fault, who always made sure to spend time with him after he got back from work, it's all his mother's fault, who read him a bedtime story every single night. He grew up in a nice neighbourhood and got a car for his sixteenth birthday. And Spencer has been so angry. He has been acting out, disappearing from home, sleeping with guys as a part of a major one-man rebellion.

And now... now he feels stupid.

Jon says, "Go home, kid," and turns around to leave.

"Wa-wait!" Spencer says, having found his voice again. "You can't just leave me here!" he protests, motioning around them.

Jon stops and looks back. "Where are you from?"

"Las Vegas."

"Well we're going to Florida," Jon says with an air of finality.

"Okay," Spencer says and begins to follow.

Jon stares at him in disbelief. "What part of this are you not getting? I told you to go home."

"I know when to go home. It's not tonight," Spencer says and he has regained his usual hard shell now. "Besides," he continues as he stops in front of Jon, staring him down, "you'd miss me."

Spencer gets back into the car, on the passenger seat now, and Jon stares after him, speechless, because he realises that Spencer is right.

* * *

It's Brendon's turn to buy gas. He hasn't been paying for anything lately, so it's obviously his turn. Problem is, Brendon has no money, and Brendon knows he doesn't want to end up doing what Ryan did for that gas station owner in Oklahoma. So it leaves him with one option: stealing.

His parents are Mormons. He should probably be doing missionary work with a Bible in his pocket right now, but he isn't because he never was much of a Mormon. It's one of the smaller justifications his parents threw at him when they kicked him out. Though, obviously, the main reason was to do with a little girl lying in the hospital, tied up to machines and pale as a ghost.

Brendon doesn't tell Spencer or Jon he has no money. They fill up the tank and Brendon goes inside to pay. He knows what he has to do, is terrified of getting caught and being arrested and thrown in jail and going to hell, and, well, all of that, but the other option is speeding away and not paying, and that would have the cops on them.

He times it well. He walks to the doors of the station just as a middle-aged man is walking in, and as he opens the door Brendon accidentally bumps into him.

"Oh, sorry," Brendon says sheepishly, his voice trembling slightly. The man grunts disapprovingly, and goes inside. Brendon, having pulled the man's wallet from his jeans' back pocket, rushes to the counter, and finds two hundred dollars cash. He pays and leaves before the man, who he sees picking out a newspaper, has time to go to the counter and realise he doesn't have his wallet.

Brendon tries not to run back to the car. He is shaking all over, adrenalin blinding his vision.

"Let's go," he says to Jon with a small smile as he gets on the passenger seat. Jon only nods and does as he is told. Brendon keeps holding his breath, the stolen wallet in his pocket, and he is sure the world is going to end any second now.

Spencer is sleeping in the backseat. It now seems that the backseat is reserved for the person who is going through the worst shit that day. Yesterday it was Brendon, mourning over his parents and trying to justify the sex that had happened with him, Jon and Spencer. Today it's Spencer. Jon looks at him through the review mirror and realises Spencer is beautiful. Brendon too, they are both beautiful boys. It's beauty that always gets Jon into trouble, well, that and his libido.

They drive along the coast, and the view is beautiful. Jon gets a strong urge to grasp a hold of something normal, anything really. When he sees a junction sign for a beach, he hits the breaks and soon parks his car on a deserted car park next to something that could be, in theory, a beach. They wake up Spencer and get out of the car.

The cars driving on the interstate hum in the background, but they can't see the road from where they are. There are old, wooden steps that lead from the car park to the beach. It's not sand under their feet, but small rocks as Jon heads for the shore with Brendon and Spencer tagging behind him. The wind from the Atlantic is freezing, but Jon seems possessed, smiling wide and breathing in deep.

"Look at it!" he exclaims to his companions, motioning at the ocean. Spencer and Brendon stare at the ocean with disinterest. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Everyone takes an hour, alright? We'll meet at the car in an hour," Jon tells them.

"An hour?" Spencer repeats, "What's there to do for an hour?"

But Jon is already walking away on the small beach, heading towards the other end. "Something's not right with him," Spencer tells Brendon, who just nods.

Spencer finds himself stranded. He sits on the wobbly wooden stairs and fiddles with rocks he picks up, watching the waves hitting the shore. He can't see Jon anymore, but he can see Brendon in the distance, doing god knows what.

Brendon sits on his knees, watching the sea. He breathes in the salty air that is so different from the Nevadan desert wind. Brendon doesn't believe in God, but he believes in something. Still because he was brought up to be a Mormon and the Christian God is the only god he knows, he decides to pray to Him/Her/It.

"Hey... God," he begins awkwardly, because he has forgotten how to do this. He stares at his hands resting on his knees. "I... I've made some mistakes. But, if you really are all-knowing, you know that... I've tried to be good. I stole today. I, uh, I threw the wallet away, I just took the cash, but... I feel really bad about it. I feel like shit about it, in all honesty," he whispers, and realises that maybe God doesn't like him swearing. "And, um, I've had extramarital relations, carnal relations," he says and as an afterthought adds, "with guys. Carnal relations with guys. I know that goes against quite a few rules, but I don't regret it. I'm sorry I don't regret it... I hope you're looking after my family. I hope they're okay. I hope you're protecting them and... I hope my sister's okay. And keep an eye out for Ryan because I think he needs it. And, um... I'll try to stay true to my heart. That might not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me, so... yeah. Later. I guess."

And it's not much of a prayer, but Brendon feels a lot better after it.

He looks around the beach and sees a figure not too far away. Brendon freezes, frowns, and then suddenly jumps up to his feet, terrified. The figure is wading into the water now, and Brendon tries to catch up, running past a pile of shoes and clothes on the shore.

"Jon!" he calls after him, "Jon, don't do it!" Brendon screams, horrified.

Jon doesn't listen, just keeps wading further into the water. Brendon runs straight into the water, the icing cold making him lose his breath.

"Jon, Jon, it's not worth it!" Brendon shouts. Spencer's head snaps up and he looks around the beach, and to his horror sees Jon and Brendon in the water, waist down. Brendon's managed to get a hold of Jon and is trying to drag him back towards land, but Jon is brushing him off.

Spencer springs up and rushes to the shore. "What the hell are you doing?!" he shouts. "Brendon, get him back here!"

"Jon, you've got your life ahead of you!" Brendon yells pleadingly because Jon is a lot stronger than him. Jon turns to him, he is only wearing boxers and the water is sinking like knives in him, his teeth chatter and he looks at Brendon, clothes soaking and eyes wide and scared. And Jon begins to laugh.

Brendon lets go of his arm slowly, frowning because he doesn't know what is going on.

"God," Jon breathes, "isn't it strange to be alive."

Brendon mouths a what? and turns to look at Spencer standing on the beach. Spencer lifts his hands, indicating an obvious, "What the hell is going on?" and Brendon just shakes his head.

Brendon hears a splash and turns back around, and Jon has dived into the Atlantic.