we're not on the map but we're on our way

2/3

"You have no idea...how much it hurts," Spencer says. Jon thinks of Ryan, he thinks of Ryan's dead boyfriend, and he thinks that maybe he doesn't know, but he has seen it. He doesn't say this to Spencer though. "To find out your whole life has been a lie... that you were never wanted. That you've been betrayed."

"Betrayed by whom?"

"My parents," Spencer replies and looks up at Jon. "My adoptive parents. I was never theirs, I've never been theirs," Spencer says desperately. He found out by accident. His father asked him to find a document for him, a tax record or a mortgage copy, Spencer can't remember. Instead, he found the adoption papers. And he sat there in his father's study, feeling everything he had ever known slip away from him. All because of a piece of paper.

"Your mother didn't look too hot either," Jon says, and Spencer inhales because it's another knife to his skin and he is already bleeding.

Spencer gets up and Jon tries to take a hold of his arm, but Spencer steps away, shaking his head. His face is distorted and Jon can see Spencer is about to break down again. Spencer turns the other way, as if to walk away and disappear into the North Carolinian scenery, and Jon says, "You think blood defines who we are? You're disillusioned if you think that."

Spencer spins around. "I was raised by two strangers! They never even told me, they -"

"Wake up, Spencer! That woman we saw last night looks like she had you when she was a teenager. She gave you up, and where's the tragedy? Don't tell me you had a miserable childhood, because I won't believe you for a second! Family isn't blood! Any fucking idiot in this world can have a kid, it doesn't take a scientist, but very few people make decent parents!" Jon shouts angrily. "You're gonna get all emo on me because you weren't wanted? Look at the boy sleeping in the backseat! His birth parents fucking threw him out! You don't know the first thing about not being wanted, so wake up and smell your own bullshit!"

"And what do you know about family?" Spencer yells angrily.

"A lot!" Jon spits. "I have a brother, but there is no blood connection between us. My best friend, I was at his place so much growing up that his parents practically raised me! My real home isn't worth mentioning, his family is my family! Blood means fuck all! Is this why you cut yourself?" Jon asks disbelievingly.

Spencer's eyes widen despite himself, immediately wrapping his arms around his chest protectively. But Jon has seen the cuts, and Spencer knows he has. "I-It makes me feel better," he stammers in defence.

"Jesus!" Jon says and rolls his eyes. "You better stop doing that shit! You think you're being self-destructive, while really you're just begging for attention! And why? Because you're adopted? Your mother isn't some middle-aged hag in Delmont, raising snivelling brats! Your mother is at home, worried sick! She's the person who taught you the names of the constellations! And if you can't see that, then I can't help you!" Jon finishes, his chest heaving and a finger pointed at Spencer, who appears speechless.

"You... You have someone waiting for you," Jon whispers, lowering his finger. "You have no idea how lucky you are."

Spencer stares, and he thinks of his biological mother, who didn't even recognise him. He was always sure she would because she was his mother. He thought he could walk up to her, she would freeze, her eyes wide and voice trembling, and she'd say, "Is it you? At last?" But no. She hadn't recognised him at all.

They have the same eyes. But maybe that is all they share.

And Spencer has siblings. Spencer isn't an only child because he has a half-sister and by the looks of it a half-brother, and he has always wanted to have siblings. He often wondered why he was an only child, before he found out about the adoption, that is. His whole world has changed now, and in some fucked up way he envies that little girl he saw because she got to grow up with his mother.