we're not on the map but we're on our way

1/3

"I've never been to Arkansas before!" Brendon smiles. Ryan is counting the miles until he is reunited with a coastline, and wonders if the Atlantic is different from the Pacific.

* * *

Spencer isn't on the run. He uses his credit card freely enough, so he isn't trying to not leave traces of himself behind. They find a motel just after the border and Spencer uses his card to get two twin rooms, because he has a stiff neck from cramping into single beds. He says it's his treat when Jon says he can't afford it. It makes them all wonder, and they begin to see that imprint of wealth on Spencer. He's from a well-off family. What is he doing in a shitty motel somewhere in Arkansas with three other lost boys?

Jon and Ryan share a room out of habit. Spencer says he can drive the next morning, so Ryan and Jon go get themselves some liquor. Ryan isn't drunk, he's just tipsy, but he always has a loose tongue when there's alcohol in his system. This is why he got beaten up the last time he went out drinking, for making a bitchy remark to a guy twice his size.

"I'm from Las Vegas," he tells Jon. He says it with a hint of desperation, trying to enforce the fact by vocalising it. He tries to make himself less transparent.

Jon nods from where he is on his bed. "I've been there a few times."

"Did you like it?"

"Not really," Jon admits.

"Yeah... yeah, me neither," Ryan shakes his head.

"So what are you doing here?" Jon asks.

"I... don't know," Ryan laughs. "It's amazing how... how you can have everything and...the next day it's just... gone. You're left drifting."

Jon nods because he can relate to that.

"He died," Ryan whispers.

Jon and Ryan have known each other for two weeks now, have been driving in Jon's car and killing time in motels for two weeks, just the two of them, and finally Ryan says it: he died.

"What happened?" Jon asks, speaking softly.

Ryan sits on the edge of the bed, staring at his hands blankly. "It was... it was the most ridiculous thing to die from," he says desperately, angrily. Ryan has been travelling for over a year, but it might as well have happened yesterday. "He fell down the stairs... and broke his neck. He... I didn't get much time. He was- he was my soulmate and I only got to spend five months with him. Five months, when we were supposed to have the rest of our lives, we were... And he fell down the stairs," Ryan says with such bitterness that Jon almost flinches.

Jon says nothing and Ryan looks up at Jon, his eyes glistening. "I found him. And after the funeral, I went home, packed and left. They said he would always be with me, watching over me. Bullshit. He's not doing that, he's dead. He doesn't exist anymore, he might as well have never been. Those times we spent together, falling love, those times never existed. Memories are no good," Ryan says with a shake of his head. "And even if he could see me," Ryan laughs, "I wouldn't want him to see me like this! I would rather die than let him see me like this."

Jon only nods. A tear escapes the corner of Ryan's eye and he sits up straighter, wiping it away quickly. He clears his throat and takes a sip from the beer bottle in his hand.

"Sometimes I wonder," Ryan begins, "if you got to choose between a long, boring life, and a short, interesting life, which one would you choose?"

"Short and interesting," Jon replies immediately.

"Yeah. I would have said that too... before. But I wonder," Ryan says, his voice barely above a whisper. Ryan shakes his head dismissively, pushing the thought out of his mind. He finishes the rest of his beer and puts the bottle on the nightstand.

Ryan crosses the distance between their beds and straddles Jon. He takes a hold of Jon's hair and presses their mouths together, and Jon follows his lead. Ryan lets out a needy sigh against Jon's lips and Jon opens his mouth. Ryan kisses him hungrily, with a fierceness that tries to cover up an excruciating pain.

They pull their own clothes off, skipping that part of undressing each other. They just want to get this over and done with.

Ryan settles on the bed beneath Jon and spreads his legs for him. Jon spits on his hand and works two fingers inside Ryan. It takes a bit of searching, but Jon finds the right angle, and Ryan is left breathless. Jon can tell that Ryan is the type that likes it rough, and Jon knows it's because how numb Ryan has become to the world. It has to be rough for Ryan to feel it.

Jon gets a condom out of his bag, quickly rolling it on himself. Ryan takes a hold of his legs, holding himself open and ready. Jon notices that Ryan won't look at him, that Ryan keeps his eyes closed, and Jon doesn't really mind. He lines his cock with Ryan's asshole and pushes in. Jon doesn't mind fucking guys because he doesn't mind fucking. Ryan is hot and tight around him, and there is an element of complete surrender in Ryan's movements that turns Jon on.

Jon slams into Ryan again and again, trying to catch his breath and make the boy beneath him lose his. He wraps his hand around Ryan's cock, and Ryan moans loudly, eyes closed, mouth open, his hands still keeping his legs up to give Jon access. It's an orgasm-focused fuck, and Ryan says someone else's name when he comes, and Jon can't quite make out what name that is, but he doesn't really care. Jon fucks Ryan through his orgasm, loving the way Ryan clenches around him, and then he lets himself go.

Ryan stays on Jon's bed, but he turns the other way. Jon isn't sure what to do, but in the end he places one hand on Ryan's hip and spoons him, letting his thumb move over the hipbone sticking out. Jon pulls the covers on them and they fall asleep.

* * *

Ryan is gone in the morning.

"Where's Ryan?" Brendon asks, and Jon shrugs. Jon checks the back of the car and Ryan's rucksack isn't there. The three of them get in the car and Spencer drives.

As the motel turns into a black spot in the distance, Jon keeps his eyes on the side mirror, expecting to see a glint of light brown hair.