Ten Years Without Love

The First Week

I haven't slept at all.... not properly.
I have the worst panic attacks at night.... it also happens to be when the voices in my head are the loudest and most powerfully evil....
I always knock myself out to stop the voices.... but I never get any sleep anymore....

I'm convinced that I will never ever have that much sleep until Michael is back.....
I don't know if they're ever going to be back.... it's been a week and I am already a total hopeless wreck.

I have went out searching for Michael every single day.
Everyday.
Everyday I go outside and down the streets, to the playground, around the city, and to our cottage just to see if I could find them.

I never have any luck.... but that isn't going to stop me from looking.

I go down the rest of the steps and I see the frightening Billy in the kitchen.

Well.... I guess he isn't so frightening anymore.... but he is still scary....

It looks like he bought a new stove, because I set the other one on fire the day before Michael went missing....

I remember Michael telling me that they would teach me how to cook and that we would take the kids to the cottage.....
but that never happened.
They are gone.... they are gone and my whole life feels like it has been taken away from me.

"Dacre"
Huh??

I had been looking down at the ground, so I didn't even realize that Billy was speaking to me.

"Yes?...." I look at Billy.

"How are you feeling?"
.......
Did Billy really just ask me how I am feeling....
He really just asked me how I am feeling when the love of my life, my universe, my heart, when Michael is gone from me.

"The same......."

"Exhausted, depressed, and heartbroken?"

I have Billy a nod and went back to looking down at the ground.
I don't think I will ever be properly happy again....
Yes, my kids make me happy.... of course they make me happy,
but..... with my beloved love gone, I can never have a good laugh again.... I can never smile a genuine smile again.... I can never be truly happy again.

I hear Billy let out a sigh as he flips a pancake over.
"Tell you what Dacre, we are all feeling like you right now, but tell you what.... how about I look for a therapist for you?"

....
A..... therapist??
I know what a therapist is.... I think....
I think it is a human who helps other humans cope with something that is affecting their life negatively....
But I am not a human.... I do not think a therapist would want to help me.... and a therapist wouldn't even help me.
Even if I did get a therapist, they wouldn't help...
There is nothing in this world that can help me get better. Nothing until Michael comes back home.

"Billy, they won't help me...... they can't help me and I am not even a human......"

"Dacre, oh my fucking god. You look like a human, so you are a human. Now shut the fuck up. I'm not dealing with you fucking saying that annoying shit"
Hah.... 'I look like a human'
I do not look anything like a human.
My eyes..... my body..... my voice....
no.
I do not look anything like a human....