In my Head

1

The world was shaking and her vision was blurry. It was so quiet and calm. She closed her eyes for a second, just to blink and suddenly music was booming. Loud and playful enough to make you want to dance. But she didn't want to dance. She opened her eyes and beheld with her gaze her best friend dressed as a demon. She was taking a sip out of her cocktail, when she reached her arms forward.

"Mmm, come on! Let's dance!" Naomi set down her glass and spun around the table. She was like that. She loved to party and have fun and she rarely could tell when others weren't into that.

"I'm good here."

And Avery truly was. In all honesty, she didn't want to go to this stupid Halloween party but she loved dressing up and that was a good excuse for her to go out as a fairy with pointed ears.

Naomi pouted and sat on a nearby chair.

"You need to have some fun every once in a while."

"I do. I have fun all the time." Avery said but Naomi shook her head and went to ask her other friends to dance. That's how quickly people gave up on her. She wasn't fun and her friends didn't have fun with her. At least that's what she thought. That's how she viewed herself. Boring and useless to others unless they wanted something from her.

If anyone had asked her what she thought of herself a year ago, she would've had a different answer. A year ago, she was single, just as she was now, but the difference is, now she had an ex. And a terrible one for that matter. He used to be sweet and caring but in reality he mainly wanted her for her body. He always kept asking her to do the deed and she kept refusing until the very end, when he guilt-tripped her into doing it. She never agreed to it, not with words anyway. She kept saying no, but she didn't push him away. And that was her biggest mistake. She had no idea if that counted as sexual assault or not. But she counted it.

Still, she stayed with that boy for a year until finally, very recently, she had the strength to break up with him. She hadn't done it before not because she was afraid, but because she didn't want to hurt him, even though he always hurt her. She was sure it wasn't on purpose, because he claimed he loved her, until the very last day, but she never truly loved him. Maybe a long time ago, but he managed to kill that fragile love with his actions.

She was kind. She used to have a lot of friends, mainly boys. Girls never really liked her, because she was beautiful and everyone looked her way. Most girls hated her for that. Others just didn't have similar interests with her because she was weird.

She had always been weird. Ever since she was a child. She didn't like growing up. She liked imagining things and living in her head. She loved nature and didn't enjoy big parties and clubs. She felt suffocated when there were a lot of people around her. Loud music made her head spin. She wasn't like the rest.

So if anyone asked her now, what she thought of herself, she would say those same things, but she would also mention she's stupid, naïve and too kind for her own good. She would say she's boring, a buzz kill. She'll say she has no friends.

Because those friends she believed she had... They weren't real. The moment she graduated, they stopped hanging out with her. Just two stuck by her side... Naomi and Kalen. Naomi she knew since they were 10. She considered her a best friend but some time ago she realized she couldn't really count on her as much as she believed. Kalen became her friend a little over a year ago. They became closer around Avery's ex, because him and Kalen are also best friends. Naturally after the break-up Kalen had to choose who to stay friends with, but for some time he could balance going out with Avery and hanging out with Sean.

That was before Kalen decided he wanted a girlfriend and that Avery wasn't going to be as good of a wingman as Sean. So he stopped hanging out with Avery that much, then he slowly stopped texting her and after a while she gave up on trying to keep their friendship alive. He had made his choice. It wasn't a smart one, as Sean wasn't a real friend. He constantly talked behind Kalen's back and threw insults at him, but Kalen seemed to ignore all that behavior. It was like he was blind.