Tsukasa Tenma and his Well-Hidden Anxiety

Ch. 6

"I'm sorry for uh... a lot of things," he sighs. "For what happened yesterday, for being rude when you guys were trying to reach out to me... You guys did nothing wrong, and I was just. Being an awful friend..."

"What? What do you mean? Tsukasa, you're a great friend-"

"Don't lie to me!" He suddenly yells, startling Rui. Rui looks at him in shock as Tsukasa catches himself, looking up at Rui in fear.

"Uh- I'm sorry... I'm doing it again..." He deflates, reverting his gaze back to the ground. Rui can faintly hear him mutter, "why am I like this..."

Tsukasa sighs, looking deep in thought as he decides what to say. Rui simply waits patiently to listen.

"I'm sorry I never told you when I didn't want to do something for our shows..."

"It's alright, Tsukasa. I know my ideas don't always sound very... sane? Or. Normal. I understand."

"I never thought your ideas were weird, Rui. Well- I did, but not in a bad way. They're always so cool and even if they sound unusual when hearing them they always turn out to be just what we need." Tsukasa directs a small smile towards Rui. "I really love making shows with you guys, Rui."

Oh.

And with that phrase alone, Rui can hear a portion of his worries start to dissolve.

"I love making shows with you, too." Rui smiles back, before addressing what's still on his mind. "Which is why I want us all to be able to enjoy them. You said so yourself, that you wanted to make shows that made both the audience and the performers happy. This includes you, too."

Rui starts to regret his words when Tsukasa's face begins to fall.

"I do enjoy putting on shows with you guys. It's not like your ideas make me uncomfortable all the time..."

"But they do sometimes, don't they? I ask you every time if you're comfortable doing something and you never say no. Why not?"

"..."

"If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't be mad if you don't want to go through with it; that's why I always ask."

"I know..."

"So why aren't you able to say no? Are you afraid that I'm going to get mad at you or something?"

"I-" Tsukasa hesitates, confirming Rui's belief. He opts to look at the scenery ahead of them as he tries to hold back his tears.

"It's not because of you!" Tsukasa suddenly stops walking, stomping his foot down a bit heavily. Rui stops abruptly, turning around to look at him.

"What?"

"I. It's true... that I'm worried you guys will be upset with me. But, Rui, you're not the reason for this! I can tell that's what you're thinking, but I swear it's just been like this for me!"

...What.

"I dunno why I'm like this," Tsukasa says as he plays with his sleeves. "I just am? I have been for years I think. I can never say no to people even when it bothers me or I know it will cause me problems..." Tsukasa starts tearing up, too. "Now, it's causing you guys problems... I'm sorry..."

Rui's head is running a mile a minute.

There... Is so much going on in what he just said. God, Tsukasa, he laments. There is so much to unpack there.

But for now, he just decides to lower the distance that the two currently have between them, smiling down at the boy in front of him.

"Tsukasa, hey," He gently holds the other's arm in a way that he knows is comforting. "I'm not going
to react to things in the way that you might predict I will in your mind. Emu and Nene won't, either. We're not mad at you for this, or for stopping our practice yesterday, or anything else, okay? I ask you if you're okay with a stunt because I genuinely want to know if you're okay with it, and there's nothing else to it."

Tsukasa looks away again. "But..."

"I know it's probably hard to change how you think about things; believe me, I have to change my thoughts as well. But... we're part of a troupe now, and we need to be aware of each other's needs and boundaries. This includes you, too.

"...So, I want you to at least try, okay? For yourself more than me or anyone else, I hope." Rui finishes with what he hopes to look like a comforting smile.

It seemed to do the trick though, because Tsukasa has continued to appear more relaxed with every word.

"...Thank you, Rui."

The mentioned boy grins, "Of course! I'll always be here to listen to you, okay?"

"Okay... This goes for you, too, though! I know you're just as bad as me when it comes to talking about feelings!"

Rui laughs, "I know. Hopefully we can both improve in that regard."

Tsukasa starts laughing as well, the two enjoying their moment to themselves.
As awkward and stiff as that conversation had started, they both ended it feeling a lot less tense.

"Rui..." Tsukasa starts after their laughter dies down.

"Hm?"

"...um." He hesitates, as Rui sees him get nervous again. "Can you... hug me?" Tsukasa looks at anything but Rui.

Rui smiles widely, worrying he sounded a bit too cheerful when he replied, "Sure thing!" before latching onto the other.

Tsukasa didn't mind, though; on the contrary, he held him back, squeezing and suffocating Rui only a little.

Rui would be lying if he said that he wasn't going to ask before Tsukasa did.

Rui had to let go, unfortunately; they still had somewhere to be, after all.

"C'mon," He says, reaching his hand out. "We're gonna be late for rehearsal."

Tsukasa raises his hand, stopping himself once again.

"Rui..."

"Hm?"

"Do you... think you could help me talk about this to Nene and Emu today? I don't really want to have this conversation more than once, so..."

Rui smiled, relieved, as he sighs in bliss and grabs Tsukasa's hand. He swings their arms rather ecstatically as they begin walking towards the park again.

"Of course, my star."

—

A week later, the four are once again rehearsing for a new show. As Emu and Nene are trying out the costumes that Tsukasa made, the boys are sitting on the stage, reading over their script.

"Hey, Tsukasa," Rui taps his shoulder before pointing at the script. "How about for this part, we brought in some fireworks to go around you? I think it would make for quite the dramatic climax."

Rui's eyes latch onto the way that Tsukasa shifts uncomfortably. He opens his mouth to tell Tsukasa that he changed his mind and to ignore it, but Tsukasa beats him to it.

"Uh. Actually, I'd rather not... Sorry, I just don't think I'll be ready for that quite yet..."

Ah...

A rejection of his idea. Something Rui is far too used to.

But for once in his life, he finds himself to be strangely satisfied with it; maybe he's even a little happy about it. Not like anyone else needs to know but him.

His eyes soften as they look at Tsukasa. He momentarily debates reaching out to grab his hand, but instead just replies,

"Of course, Tsukasa. I understand."

A/N: thank you so much for reading i hope u enjoyed!!!!

I also want to mention rq that they aren't dating yet, although i get that their language at the end would be considered romantic. this was implied to show that they're both aware of their own desire to make their relationship romantic but i didn't want to force them to get together because i didn't want them to get together over tsukasas mental breakdown bc honestly that's rly fuckin dumb and unfair to both the characters and people who have those kinds of issues as a whole. i'm not using his anxiety here to force them to kiss that's weird