Deadpool Finds Love

Ryan groaned. "Why are you following me?"

"You need to make more movies about me. The last one was good, but how could you leave out Captain Canada? That fucker is gorgeous. And Zombie Deadpool Head? I love Zombie Deadpool Head. The fans would love Zombie Head tetherball. Sure, you'll lose a few to bites, but it will be worth the footage."

"We couldn't fit everything in," Ryan said.

"Well, you did get a lot of chikawawa in there, so I guess I'll forgive you. Next time, get the studio to put Wolverine in there. I really want to fight Wolverine."

"Too expensive."

"Hugh Jackman is expensive. Get the real guy. The actual Wolverine will work for dog biscuits."

"Wolverine isn't real," Ryan said.

"I think he's a phony too," Deadpool said, "with the growling and all that. He's so phony, not real at all. Such a jerk."

"No, I mean... Ah, what's the use?"

"What's wrong?" Deadpool asked. "Are you angry? Did I hurt your little feelings special snowflake?"

"Shut up."

"So are you going to come with me to find Riley?"

"No. Stop talking."

"Your mother doesn't mind when I..."

Ryan pushed him in front of a bus and continued on, blissfully Deadpool free, but only for a few minutes. As he turned to head back home he saw the merc leaning against a post and shaking his head.

"That was not friendly. I'm writing mean things about you in my journal later."

"Fuck off, Deadpool."

"I will, once you promise to help me find Cthulhu. We're leaving the Shire Ryan!" He put an arm around Ryan's shoulder and looked toward the horizon, lifting his arm and pointing in a dramatic gesture.

"Just picture it. You, me, and our little dog Toto. We'll free Cthulhu and ride ponies. It'll be awesome!" Deadpool squealed. "We could be Bronies!"

Ryan pulled Deadpool's hand off his shoulder. "No, no, and a million times no! Cthulhu isn't even real!"

"Take it back!"Deadpool yelled. "You want her for yourself, you slut."

"He's a fictional character, dumbass," Ryan said.

Deadpool punched him in the stomach. "Was that fictional?" He danced around with his fists in a traditional 19th century boxing stance.

Ryan punched him squarely in the jaw.

Deadpool kicked Ryan in the nuts. "How do you like them apples?"

A mother and son stopped at the odd sight in front of them. As Ryan hit himself in the testicles and fell to his knees holding his crotch and yelling in pain, the boy looked from Ryan to his mother.

"Mommy, why did that man just punch himself in the no-no's?"

"Just keep walking, honey."

Ryan made it home without further incident, and Deadpool wandered off after their fight, something for which Ryan was eternally grateful.

Laundry used to be a boring chore, but now that Deadpool had come into his life Ryan found the simple fact that hadn't been followed to the laundromat a vacation.

As he loaded his clothes into the dryer he tried to decide how to get rid of his unwanted roommate. Eviction notice? Like that would stop him, he thought.