chlorine// joshler

8

word count: 427

josh stood in front of the grave. his hands shaking, the warm air of the summer made his bones feel colder. josh stared at the grave, holding the flowers tighter in his hand.

"hey momma, hey dad. i.. ive been taking care of myself alright.. since."

josh winced.

"since the accident... i got my own trailer, with my own money. i put some plants down, cleaned the house. I've finally been doing good for myself..."

the wind blew through josh's hair.

"....there's this guy. his name is tyler. i work for his parents... im their pool boy. but.. anyways, tyler.. he drives me batshit crazy, but something about him... i.. i think he's cool, he's mysterious and adorable when he's not an asshole. he.. he has nice eyes and a beautiful smile. ive only seen him smile once, and it was in his sleep."

"he sleeps a lot. around me, in his backyard while i clean their pool. he's always drinking something out of this styrofoam cup. i think.. i think i might like him. well.. i do when he's not an asshole.."

josh punched the ground.

"god.. this is so hard. i can't come out to you guys. i can't get guy advice. i don't know what to do and im truly struggling. im doing good in my 'mentally surviving and being alive with a roof over my head' aspect, but i don't know whether or not to persue these stupid feelings about tyler."

josh's hand starting bleeding, but he didn't notice. 

"i... I don't know how to live without you guys. my birthday a few months ago, you know, last time i visited. that was so hard. it's the fifth one without you guys. i hate my birthday now. since the accident was a few days before it, and the last time i saw you guys was on my sixteenth birthday... your hands were so cold, mom. and dad... you barely looked the same."

josh wanted the memory out of his mind, but it wouldn't go away.

"I went from telling you how im doing.. to about tyler.. and now im just thinking about how you're truly dead. nothing could ever bring you back, and this grave, it's not even for you guys. it's for me. so i can talk, so i can survive... you two having or not having a grave doesn't bother you in the slightest."

josh stood up and set the pink carnations in front of the tomb stone. 

"death was never a foreign concept to me. but i was ready to die. 

i wasn't ready for you two to."

a/n: so. 

@curiosity- 

asked for more. this is more.

it's their fault if you're crying rn. 

okay bye ✌️