Mistakes We Can't Laugh About (Loser #2)

Chapter 46

Basta ang alam ko . . . nagpapahinga si Psyche. Sa takot. Sa pag-iyak. Sa problema.

And without lying, I knew I needed it for myself, too.

That being said, I enrolled at a university for my doctorate. I also started working online for the Psychological Alliance of Italy – Ferrara. Work from home iyon at sa akin unang nag-offer si Ma'am Anne dahil nalaman niya ang nangyari sa akin dito. The PAI wanted to launch a company here in the Philippines, and I would have to look into it while also working with international clients who preferred online counseling.

Slowly, after months of fighting for others, I felt like the holes in my heart were starting to close up. Para akong nagpaalam sa isang mahaba at masakit na kabanata sa buhay ko. Kumuha rin ako ng sarili kong pad dalawang oras ang layo mula sa dating apartment dahil maayos naman na ang mga kaibigan ko. I stepped away from everyone for a moment. I detached myself. Gusto kong huminga muna at mabawi ang sarili ko nang mag-isa.

"How short, ma'am?"

I pointed at my neck. "Bob cut."

Ngumiti ang babae. "Ang ganda ng kulot mo, ma'am. Hindi masyadong textured pero bagay na bagay sa inyo. Sigurado po ba kayong gusto n'yong i-rebond natin 'to?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "Yeah."

She started to do my hair, and I just watched as each strand fell to the floor, taking at least a little bit of my mother with it. I also started using skin whitening products, and I didn't know if I should be thankful for the slight blurring of my vision because I was able to get glasses . . . covering the eyes my father had given me.

I wanted to be done with them. I wanted to see myself in the mirror, not their reflection.

I took my time regaining myself. Wala na akong pakialam sa magiging resulta ng paglayo ko sa lahat. I had not completely cut off communication with my friends, and I knew they would understand my need for a break. I went to a lot of bookstores and bought a lot of books. I danced alone to music in my pad, smelled my morning coffee, and breathed the mist of my healing.

Hindi ko inaasahan na magagawa ko ang lahat ng 'to. I'd done so well . . . so fucking well that I couldn't help but be proud of myself.

Nakabili na ako ng sarili kong pad, samantalang dati, kailangan pang manginig ng kamay ko sa ngalay mula sa pagmamake-up sa mga kliyente ko para lang makapagbayad ng renta. Nabibili ko na ang mga gusto kong libro, samantalang dati, ni wala akong pambili ng chuckie. Nakakatulog na ako ngayon nang hindi nag-iisip kung ano ang kakainin ko bukas o kung magkano ang ibabaon ko.

I had made so much progress. I walked so far away from my miserable life.

Hindi muna ako nakibalita kay Leon. Sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko, sa kanya lang ako hindi nagpaalam na lalayo ako saglit. Hindi ko alam. Mas lamang sa akin ang hiya. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ko siya kayang harapin nang hindi umiiyak . . . nang hindi nagsusumbong. Baka kung kinausap ko siya bago ako lumayo, baka hindi na ako tumuloy. Baka isinama ko pa siya sa pagpapahinga ko.

The road ahead of us was unknown to me. I wasn't sure what our future held. Puwedeng kami sa dulo . . . puwedeng hindi.

Regardless . . . I knew that he would always be my greatest love, and if I had the chance to make three wishes, all three would be for a life spent with him.

Hindi na ako nakipagkita sa kanya nang makalaya siya. I was worried at first that something bad would happen to him at the prison, but thankfully, he was safe. Dalawang araw lang din naman kasi siyang nagtagal doon lalo at naisapubliko agad ang krimen ni Percy. Nahihiya ako sa kanya. Even while resting, he cared about me. Kailangan kong lumayo sa kanya. From there, he would realize that the world wasn't all about me.