The Unwanted Bond

Mimic

I shook my head. "No. I just want Lyla. I wanted to heal and go be with her."

"Why?"

I chewed on my lip. "I got her daughter attached to me and because of that connection she was killed. Derek was planning on killing Connor, the least I could do was be there for Lyla when she gets the justice she and Maddi deserve and then I was..." I cut myself off.

"You were what?"

"Nothing. I was gonna come back after that."

Chris eyed me for a while. "That's not what you were going to say."

I shrugged and looked away.

"Ryan told me about your breakdown at the funeral. Were you planning on taking your own life?"

They stepped closer to me and Chris moved so I could meet his eyes.

"I don't know. I didn't really plan anything past getting to Lyla."

"Parker..."

"I don't know! Maybe! Everyone would probably be better off without me around fucking everything up and making everyone worry."

Chris inhaled sharply and quickly left the room. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry for upsetting your mate." I whispered to David.

He sighed and dragged a chair over so that he could sit. "He went to inform Ryan. I don't think anyone has realized how bad you are. How long have you wanted to die?"

I let out a chuckle. "What are you? A shrink?"

"Parker."

He gave me a sympathetic look, clearly catching on to me trying to use humor to pass off the question.

"I..." I sniffled as tears rushed into my eyes. "I've wanted to die every single day since the first time I was raped. I remember everything. The pain... The blood. I remember their hands on me. And it makes me feel disgusted with myself. I didn't even try to fight back. Sure I tried to avoid being grabbed but I never really fought. I was a stupid scared kid and I let myself be hurt because I didn't want to die. Not in their hands. I wanted to die where my family could find me and have peace. Derek wasn't.. He wasn't supposed to find me. I was dying and I could have made it farther but I let myself collapse two miles from the pack because I figured once I passed away they would eventually find me. He wasn't supposed to find me right after I passed out. He wasn't supposed to find me when I cut myself or stop me from hanging myself. He wasn't. I wasn't supposed to make it past 18. I don't... I don't know how to live everyday. I have tried everything and I'm still this mean little asshole that no one loves or wants or needs. I shouldn't be alive and I can't cope with the fact that I am and all of these people that should be aren't." I sobbed.

David stood up and wrapped me in a hug. "Letting people know how you are feeling is a good place to start. I can't even begin to imagine what you have lived through, hell no one really can but talking to someone can help. Letting Ryan be aware of how you are feeling isn't a sign of weakness, from what you said that seems to be where the attitude and the fighting comes from. You don't want people to know that you were a scared kid and you want to come across as unaffected. It's okay to admit that you were affected by what you went through. That's not admitting weakness. Asking for help to get past this is not admitting weakness."

I sniffled again as he pulled back. "I just want to be normal."

"Normal is overrated." He smiled softly.

"I'm sorry."

David shook his head. "I get it. Chris went through being raped and shutting me out. You try to run away and shut people out but I do understand why. There's a battle going on in your head and it's okay to ask for help."