Cards Against Us All {HS}

-Chapter Forty Eight-

Chapter Forty Eight:

Harry

The last few days were tough. Everything that I did and everything that I thought about doing seemed a million times harder than the last.

After I wrote Clara the letter in my journal, things got a little easier but not for very long. It might have been a day and a half before I started to fall back into bad habits. I wasn't drinking but I was taken over by a depressive state. I didn't leave my bed and Billie and Zayn had to often coax me out of bed to shower.

It was scary for everyone. I could tell that even the other boys were worried about me because whenever I went downstairs, there were empathetic looks on their faces. I didn't have the capacity to deny their care or pity because I was so burnt out. I hadn't touched my phone in weeks and I didn't want to. I knew that it would scare my mum and sister as well. I owed them a massive apology.

I was missing Clara like a star misses its solar system. Like flowers miss rain. It felt like my life went from one full of life and a rainbow of colours to one of a hue of greys. I was desperate to have her back. The last two and a half weeks had been torture. Everything was hurting. Nothing was filling the void in my chest that was a Clara shaped hole.

I had made an effort to try and write in my journal every day at some point. It was difficult but I did it. I wrote almost everything. There were letters, song lyrics, book comparisons to what I was going through and even my suspicions of Gio. I knew that he wasn't who he said he was but I also had no doubt that Clara knew who he really was.

I had decided that he was doing something illegal. The poker wasn't illegal because everyone participating was over 18 and there were no fake ids needed. So, I knew that there was something else going on. I wasn't overly convinced that it was legal because Gio was so secretive of it and dismissive towards me. There were plenty of occasions that I was watching Clara while she gambled and Gio would go up to me and start speaking really cryptically.

I knew that he was probably not who he said he was. Either he was pretty important with what he did considering that we never got in any sort of trouble and he was always on his phone talking to or emailing someone. And that time that Zayn, Billie, Liam and Gio came back to the house that we were staying in and he

I picked up on things quite a lot. It helped to be the quiet one because then I could sit back and observe and listen to a thousand different conversations going on around me at once. There were a few questionable things that I had heard from Gio's own mouth. Plus the things that Liam and Louis had said to each other when they thought that nobody was listening. The same went for Billie and Clara.

I was pondering everything that was running through my mind. Everything was going at a million miles and hour and I was struggling to grab hold onto something specific. After mentally trying for a few seconds, I gave up and decided it would be best if I just let it run free.

I was lying on my side, facing away from the door. It was the same place that I had been for all of the day before. I hadn't moved except when I forced myself to go to the toilet so that I didn't get a urinary tract infection. That would have been a lot of hassle. I also hadn't been eating. I had lost a lot of weight in the last two and a half weeks.

It didn't seem like only two and a half weeks ago, Clara skipped town. It felt like months ago. Everyday dragged on longer than the last. Every minute felt like an hour and every hour felt longer than anything.

I sighed and that was when I heard the door opening. I knew that it was Billie. She would often come and lie with me, just to keep me company but I think that I also reminded her of Clara and she needed that familiarity. I know that Zayn would be amazing to her. He was always, no matter what, so sweet and kind but I often thought that maybe he was too sweet. He was definitely the person to coddle their significant other.