love me more

on; disappointment

10/10/22

Man I'm broke. I went to the mental health facility today. I spent 20 dollars that I didn't have on Uber but I figured it would be worth it. Turns out that 1. The appointment was virtual and 2. They couldn't accept my insurance due to some error. So 20 dollars down the drain.

Some backstory on why I am so broke; for starters I'm only 19 years old. But I was taking care of my sick  mother while working as a server. Getting paid under the table. She died and left me with negative money and negative feelings in general. I had to move of course because I had no one except my mother and didn't make nearly enough money to pay rent. And since I was getting paid under the table, I can't file for unemployment. Or food stamps. Nothing. Isn't it amazing?

So I'm basically in a constant state of being starving. I used basically all of my savings to get back and forth to job interviews. None of them worked out, depressingly. So I gave up on the interviews to apply for Job Corps. Now with JobCorps, they need me to fill out all these things regarding to my mental health and whatnot which is the partial reason of me trying to find a provider at this moment.

So anyways, 20 dollars is a lot for me right now. It could be a McDonald's meal or better. I'm staying with my "father" (who I wasn't speaking with before my mother passed). And I'm having trouble staying with him for almost the same reasons that I wasn't speaking to him. I find him to be such a poor excuse for a parent. Maybe I'm spoiled by how my mother treated me, but he's frustrated. I'm starving. He doesn't contribute to me except to provide a roof over my head.

I get it, I'm an adult and I need to be independent. But the gag is I'd probably be better off homeless. How can I function if all I can think of is how hungry I am all the time? Like, he's part of the reason I don't qualify for food stamps. I'm an honest person and told the people that I'm staying with my father. They think that means I'm his dependent, which I'm not at all. I'm basically fucking independent but since I live with him I don't qualify. He's not even on my birth certificate, and my mother is dead. If I went to a shelter or something I'd be able to get food and such.

I only have maybe 200 dollars to my name currently which is better than nothing I supposed. The only reason I have thing money is because I was supposed to go to college way back  and my mother had made a payment that they were able to refund to me. Thank God or I'd have nothing.

Well, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I hope to get this paperwork signed so I can send it off to JobCorps. I hope they accept me fast. I really need the training so I can get a guaranteed job. They also pay you. Only like 25 dollars every two weeks but when you're down and out like me I swear that means everything. Fingers crossed there's no more bumps in the road.