Infections of a Different Kind of Human

19. Conqueror

"Ryan," Amelia tried, but she was immediately cut off.

"Stop talking," he said, his voice cold as ever. She could see the glisten of tears in his eyes and it only served to make Amelia feel even worse. She felt like she had played right into Owen's hands, and it was as much her fault as it was his. She didn't know what had come over her, and what made her feel even guiltier was that she had enjoyed every second of it, and wanted more.

"I just think we should probably—,"

"Amelia," he warned again, cutting her off as he said slowly, "Stop...talking." She closed her eyes, trying to fight the tears that seemed to want to come out all the time now. She was afraid of what would happen if they got back to her apartment without having spoken about it.

"Can we please—,"

Ryan swerved the car off the road, smashing on the brakes as he pulled into a nearby gas station, scaring her half to death. "Do you know how to do anything right?" he growled at her, yelling now as he said, "I told you to shut up!" Instantly, Amelia broke into tears, and that served to irritate Ryan even more. How dare she cry after what she had just done. "Why are you crying?!" he exclaimed, feeling his own tears come into his eyes. "What is wrong with you?!"

"Stop yelling at me!" she cried. He was so angry right now, but he also felt guilty for his explosion of emotion. He took a deep breath, wiped his face, and exhaled.

"Amelia," he mumbled now, his heart aching as he listened to her cry, "Please stop crying." He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her, saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you." He held her as she cried, and he begged her to stop, but she couldn't. She deserved every horrible word Ryan had to throw at her, and she felt even worse that he was trying to comfort her, instead of just leaving her on the side of the highway.

"I'm sorry," she said in this cracked voice that broke his heart, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry—,"

"Just breathe, Amelia," he said, holding her face now with his hands as she repeated the words over and over. It hurt him to see her so distraught, and he'd never felt so conflicted between love and hatred before. "Hey, hey," he said, pressing his forehead against hers, "Just take a breath, okay?" He took a breath and waited for her to follow him, and she did. When they both exhaled, the car got so quiet that he could hear the hum of the engine fighting to stay warm in the cold Seattle weather. Ryan felt sick to his stomach thinking about all the ways he'd held her, been with her. He couldn't stand to think of it, because he thought of Owen as well and all the ways he'd probably been holding her when he wasn't looking. He felt nauseous. 

"Stay here," he said, stepping out of the car to go into the shop. Amelia watched as he trifled about the store, picking up snacks, and then two six packs of beer, before stopping off by the cashier and asking for a pack of cigarettes. With every movement, Amelia's stomach dropped further and further into her gut. He was going to relapse, and he didn't care that she would be there to see it. In fact, he probably hoped she would see it, as her own form of punishment.

When he got back into the car, his demeanor had gotten cold again. "Do you want a beer?" he asked as he pulled a bottle out of the six pack. "Or have you broken enough rules for tonight?" There was no glimmer in his eyes as he stared at her with the bottle in his hand.

"Ryan," she whispered. He knew what she was going to say; that he'd been sober for almost five years, and that he shouldn't give it up because of her. But he could care less about his sobriety right now. He didn't care for starting over his count. All he wanted was for the pain in his chest to stop.

"Either you drink or you shut up," he said as he averted his eyes, pulling a cigarette out of the fresh pack and lighting it, "And I'm serious this time." Amelia sat quietly in the car as she watched him smoke and drive off. With every jolt of the car, she could hear the bottles of beer knocking against each other in the backseat. She had broken his heart, and sent him into a relapse, and it was entirely her fault.