Through the Panes

Pennsylvania

This would be the first time I'd been in a room with a corpse since the car accident, and I had been only four then.  I was kind of curious and kind of afraid.  I had asked to see him the day that we had gone to the funeral parlor, but I wasn't going to push it on Grammy or Tessie.  

I had flown out the day that Pap pap had died.  I was unsure as to whether I would make it in time, there was a hurricane in Florida, and Pappy was dying quickly, though there were still jokes about him outliving us all.  Maybe I would make it in time.

Aunt Tessie texted us Wednesday morning that he might not make it through the day.  I wanted to be there for them so I offered to fly out, if that's what she needed and it wouldn't add extra stress.  The flight was booked by ten and I was backing out of the driveway when I got the text.

It's weird to have a time stamp for when someone dies.  Weird to know that who they were is gone, at least here on Earth.  I am not sure what you are supposed to do with that.  I mean truly.  Am I to mourn for him at that time forever?  Sometimes I feel like if I marked off mourning dates there would be no happy dates left in the year.  Maybe mourning dates are helpful for some people,  for me they are a mire on something beautiful, mourn whilist you can, where you can, and maybe even set aside time to do so, but don't let it become your life.  Don't try to remember the exact moment that [Blank] dissapeared, doesn't that hurt more?

I digress,  all those thoughts flew through my head in a moment, and many more, and I decided to keep backing out of the driveway.  How surreal.  He's just gone.  Just gone.  I called my mother to inform her? for support? I am not entirely sure of the reason, but she answered, in a rush as usual, wanting to get off the phone, even though I was driving, and my grandfather had just died.   Nothing was ever good enough.  Good enough to get her full attention her love, even if you'd earned it, it wasn't enough.  

I decided to cut the call short because clearly she couldn't meet my needs, don't know what I had expected anyways.  At least she got me a ride to the airport (cut the cost of airport parking) but it was a wishy washy one and that was just what I needed (sarcasm).  Jacklyn may not take me if I don't arrive an hour earlier than she originally agreed to and I literally cannot get there any sooner than this, and my pap pap just died. 

Sometimes, most of the time actually, I feel like my best isn't good enough.

The rendeveus point was my parents house, I just wanted to hug my sister and get the heck out of dodge.  

When I arrive my little sister is outside waiting for me to give me the hug, and I feel relief, and I see Jacklyn's car, so it's going to be okay.  One of the extra kids is there too, as soon as I get out she says:

"Sorry about your Grandpa"

And in my head I am divided into two people.  One who is also just a little kid, just trying to be nice, I see her soul and I see mine and we are at peace. The other who is angry, who thinks 

'Who the hell told her?  What gives you the right?  What the actual fuck, this is my grief, Mine, if that, much less my little sisters', much less you, you have no idea who he even is.  He isnt even Beths Grandpa, she never even met him.  You've never even met him you don't know my relationship to him, he's been forcibly kept alive for the last 8 years, nobody knows him anymore.'

Sigh, but I very quickly realized that this is something that I would have to get used to because people are nosy and stupid.  

I went over and hugged Bidders, but that child again peeped up whilist Matt (my step/adoptive father) took my bag over to the car.  

"Where are you going?"

I sighed as quietly and respectfully as I could, because I still know its not her fault or (and I admidt this next part begridgingly) even the adults' fault, but guys right now I just want to hug my baby sister while I can.  That's all.  

But alas we all know that I have to answer the little one, "Pennsylvania"

Then both at the same time:

Matt: "You Know That Jacklyn Is In A Rush So You've Gotta Get Going." 

Uhreel: "Yeah but like why are you here where are you going why are you going?"

I give Beth one last squeeze and go to the car with a mostly stranger in it who I know has expectations about my greif.

Have I mentioned that I hate people.  Ugggh, but actually secretly I love them.

Here goes--

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For everyones safety I have given them pseudonyms.  For anyone with nicknames and the suchlike I tried to find names that would lend themselves to similar contriveances.

Extra Kids- Kids that are around the house but not ours and not even necessisarily friends of anyone in the house. 

Matt- He has no volume control, none, be glad I didn't put it in all caps, and put an exclaimation point at the end.

Uhreel- This poor girl's mom named her like with weird spelling and its supposed to sound like Ariel mostly.