- three verses & two chorus -

-𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 1-

*Present time. Los Angeles , CA.*
-11:34 pm-

"Ugh fuck it" I mumble as I tear another piece of paper.

I've been sitting on the floor for 2 hours now, trying to get the words out of my mind. It's already dark outside, songwriting has been the only thing in my mind lately that I even lose the track of time.

"I'm so done with this" I say to myself out loud as I throw everything in the garbage
Every time I try to write a new song it always results as a failed attempt.

As I turn on my phone I see many missed calls. Some from my manager Ben, he is really worried about my state and the fact that we need new songs doesn't make anything better

One missed call caught my attention. I see that my sister called me about three times, which is weird because she passed by this morning

I decide that it can wait until tomorrow, I'll call her back then.

After taking a long and hot shower I grab my phone and open my 'notes' app. I'm gonna try to write about how I feel and I'll probably be able to sort something out of it.

I sit on the balcony, a cigarette in my hand, my phone in the other
c'mon Lana, how do you feel right now ?

Life is okay, I don't have a partner so I feel alone. But I turn loneliness into something rich and experimental.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by this loneliness and my own feelings, I feel like through my career I've written about everything and nothing all at once

I don't even know how am I feeling.

I close my notes app and head inside, it's enough for today. I really have to write tomorrow though. Taking breaks from writing wasn't any helpful to me.

I wash my hands and go straight into bed. I might've a hard time with writing but I'm so drained that I fell asleep almost immediately.

*6 : 00 am*
The sound of my alarm woke me up, I get up confused, wondering why did I even put an alarm on. I check my agenda and see written on it "meeting at the studio with Jack"

Fuck.

I had to write 3 new songs for today and I barely could write two choruses for the past days.
I get ready quickly. I want to cancel this meeting so bad by finding some shitty excuses

But I'm gonna be a disappointment. Gonna ? I already am. Where'd my ideas and inspirations go ?

*7:20 am*

I hear my phone ringing and immediately pick up the call knowing it's obviously going to be Jack.

"Hi Lana, ready for the meeting ?" he asks

What should I say ? Should I even be honest ? It takes me some time to form a proper answer

"Jack if I was a liar I'd answer : Yes of course I am, I wrote so many songs that I can't even pick three out of them" I say sarcastically "but listen- I didn't, I don't know-"

"Well" he cuts me off "Those past weeks seem to be quite difficult for you and your writing, taking a break didn't even seem to help. Why don't you hire a songwriter? I know good ones who would love to help you"

"Yes , yeah okay don't worry I'll think about it" I lie

"okay keep me updated Lana, take care" he says

We hang up and I immediately start to talk to myself "A songwriter. A goddam songwriter. Am I not enough uh ?" I scoff

The day goes on, I'm moody and stay on the couch. I didn't write new songs, couldn't.
How am I sad when I have everything to be happy ?
Am I even sad ?

I stay silent, deeply in my thoughts for a long time until the security guard calls me

"Hi what's up ?" I casually say

"Hi Lana your sister is passing by she wanted me to warn you about her venue."

I really wonder why Chuck wants to see me, she visited me yesterday. Well she probably feels alone too even though she has a cute little family.
______
"Hi chuckyyy come in!" I happily say as I open the door

Chuck and I go sit in the living room, we talk about everything and nothing for a good thirty minutes then eventually she asks

"How are you though? How is it going with the songwriting ?"

I sigh "Don't even get me started ugh. It's quite difficult. And you know, it's confusing that even taking break isn't helpful. I feel like an empty bottle"

She chuckles, I love how calm and relaxed she is about stressful situations, maybe she doesn't understand but I'm sure she does

"Hmm Lana, why don't you hire someone to help you ? Some sort of songwriter. I know you're gonna turn down my offer. But that's personally what I'd do" she explains

I frown and manage to answer

"I don't like this whole idea of someone writing songs for me, I love writing, I'd rather write than sing if I had to choose you know ? I love being proud of a song because I wrote it without anybody's help, because it came from the depths of my heart."

She puts the palm of her hand under her chin and looks at me, as if she is trying to read my thoughts

"I think I have the solution, hear me out"

I straighten up and listen to her carefully

She goes on :

"During a photoshoot two years ago, I met a girl, uh I don't remember her name but she helped many singers. Not just with songwriting, she was like some sort of therapist for singers like you for example"

I ask "So you mean a kind of therapist-songwriter who isn't gonna write my songs but is going to help me to sort the words out ?"

"Well yeah, only if you want to though"

I look away and think for a minute

"you know what chuck, I think it cannot be that bad and I want to give it a try I've got nothing to lose, I've wasted enough time."

"Jesus ! Did my sister just accept one of my wonderful offers???" she cheers

I roll my eyes, I love my sister

Chuck eventually left, she told me she will message me the 'songwriter-therapist's' name tonight

I end my day in a better mood than this morning, I take some time for myself and take a long bath

After a few hours of resting in my bath, I decide it's time to get out of it.

I take my phone as I get under the bedsheets, I  see a message from chuck, I smile already excited to have an opportunity to write again

Chucky ♡ :
hi Lana ! So the 'songwriter' we talked about lives in LA, I reached out to her and she is willing to help you. She is available tomorrow, and on Thursday what about you ?
Oh and by the way,
her name's Jannie...

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A/N
•Hello so here's chapter 1
- I tried my best to make it as interesting as I can but I'm aware that the beginning can be boring.
•Don't hold me accountable for spelling mistakes
•I'll post an update next week for sure

Have a very nice day <3
-Lottie