in the ataraxis of aftermath

velas blancas harbor

No words made it out of her mouth, but somehow she knew that Keyla understood. Keyla got it, that was clear, etched in the dent of her smile and glittering somewhere in her chocolate eyes.

Keyla understood, and that was so much more than enough.

---

Naoko was ecstatic, flittering all around the boat. She wasn't sure how much of it was expressed on her face but she couldn't bring herself to care because she was just so unbelievably light, being escorted by bliss. Clean (clean!) surfaces and shining (shining!) floors and everything smelt ever so faintly like flowers (flowers!) and then Keyla told her that the ship could sail (sail!) and Naoko thought she could've melted (melted!) into a puddle and evaporated into the sky.

And sail they did. Naoko and Keyla hurried around, pulling and trying and unwinding the ropes, not knowing why but doing it anyway, until Keyla was satisfied, and they could settle back down.

The day passed in a blink and an eternity. There were hours of nothing, just sitting, leaning, lying, laughing, in the golden arms of the sun, and yet this passed in a breath. Soon the sky warmed to orange and Naoko felt the faint but persistent tugs of something that wasn't quite happy, pulling at her strings of her mind until it could latch on.

The water was still too open, it said. The city was nowhere nearby. If they didn't leave now, right now, they'd miss the train.

"We need to go back," Naoko said, abruptly.

Keyla was quiet for a while, long enough that Naoko was clearing her throat to repeat it when she finally answered.

"No," Keyla said and Naoko blinked twice.

"No?"

"No, we don't," Keyla met her eyes and Naoko saw she was sad.

"Yes, we do?" Naoko smiled, a little, for smiling's sake, but it fell quickly. "We'll miss the train."

"We can take it tomorrow."

"Tomorrow!"

Part of Naoko knew it was only one shift and not a big deal, but another, much larger part of Naoko disagreed. It was much bigger than that. Without her train, where would she go? How far would she walk? Where was her food? Her bed? Her books? She felt sick to her stomach. Suddenly this seemed like it was a lot bigger than just a delay.

"But I need to get back!" She insisted. "I need to go home!"

"Not even for a night?" Keyla asked, with a sort of muted intensity. "You can't just leave for a night?"

Yes, I can! Naoko thought, but one second later: No, I can't.

Her gaze dropped to the floor. She couldn't. She couldn't imagine staying somewhere other than her first hideout, her secret, her home.

"It's like a schedule," Keyla said, gently. "You stick to your schedule. You clock in and out to our time. But you are always itching to leave, to get back, to stay with your train."

Naoko's heart felt heavy and cold.

"That's not a bad thing," Keyla sounded like she'd inched closer, carefully. "A schedule is good. But... sometimes... I worry about you. You worry so much. You need it - your rules, your schedule, your lists, so much. But it's okay to take a break, too. It's okay to relax and unwind and do things that don't really matter."

I know that, Naoko thought. I do that. I'm good about breaks. I like taking breaks. I do it all the time.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be sorry!" Keyla replied immediately. "It's not really your fault. Please don't be upset! I'm just worried about you. I just... I just want to make sure you're okay."

I am okay, Naoko thought. I'm great.

She said nothing.

When Naoko looked up into Keyla's eyes, she saw they were glossy and slick with unshed tears.

"Stay here," The other girl said reverently. "Please. Just stay here, with me, on the ship, just for a little bit longer. Please."

"Why?" Naoko asked, voice barely louder than the gentle lapping of sea against ship.

Keyla took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. She seemed to be working up the courage to continue. Naoko didn't mind. Naoko could wait. She could do it, she knew she could, especially now that she felt like the rest of her life was balancing delicately on this moment.

"Because..." Keyla took another breath. "Because I'm worried about you. And..."

And? Naoko thought, watching the crystalline tears start to slip down Keyla's cheeks. There was an and?

"I don't want you to go."

Naoko couldn't think of anything to say to that, her brain focused on the tortured twist of Keyla's features, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I don't, I don't like being alone," Keyla managed, breathing sporadic and shallow. "I get s-scared when I'm alone. I get scared that, that I'm never going to see you again. I get scared that one day, you, you, you won't show up and I won't know where you went. I'm worried about you. I'm really, really worried about you. I-I don't want you to leave me here. I'm, I'm sorry, I know that's selfish and you probably think that's weird and I-I-I-"

Keyla cut herself off as Naoko pulled her into an embrace. It wasn't much, but it was all Naoko could think to do, her mind still reeling, hands still shaking as she tried to process everything, both said and unsaid.

Naoko wasn't sure how long they would stay like that, Keyla's head bent into her shoulder, Naoko's hands softly framing Keyla's shoulder blades.

But Naoko knew she'd stand there for as long as Keyla needed her to.