Red Vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles (Male OC)

S1 Episode 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Callan: How about the time when we literally changed the batteries on his head

Grif: Okay that one, I thought his helmet was dead

Callan: Dude. You're fucking dumbass

Simmions: (Looks at Sarge) Hey sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge: How come?

Simmons: Because static could damage the card

Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets.

Callan: He's not wrong sir. You should be careful with that. Who knows what might happen

Sarge: And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda're gonna make my stomach blow up!

Sarge inserts the card which causes him to get static and makes him jump back

Sarge: YOW!

Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new second-favorite private

Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!

Simmons: Wait a minute, second? Who's the first?

Sarge then looks at Callan

Grif: Oh great...

Callan: Nice

(Meanwhile: Blue Base)

We cut to Blue Base where we see Tex and Church on top of the base while Tucker and Caboose are outside with Caboose still having the black armor

Caboose: (Panting) Man...Uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy

Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor

Caboose: Yeah, I know, that- that's, I think, because, you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.

Caboose: Ha ha ha. yeah, I know! Hahahaha! Ahhhhh! (Serious) Don't make me mad

(Meanwhile: Red Base)

We cut back to red base where we see Donut talking to Grif and Simmons while Sarge and Callan are working on Lopez

Donut: So, what happened to me, anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Grif: Right. That was a grenade

Donut: And the last thing I remember...Is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting

Grif: Ha! I knew it!

Simmons: (Looks at Grif) I did not faint

Callan: And...Done!

The three look at Callan as he removes a screwdriver off Lopez's neck. He backs off and Sarge looks at Lopez

Sarge: Done and done. Lopez! Activate speech unit!

Lopez: Buenos dias. Y gracias por activar mi función de voz. Soy el número de modelo 01011348823 {Good morning. And thanks for activating my speech function. I am model number 01011348823}

Donut: Am I the only one not understanding any of this

Callan: I can understand him

Lopez: Mi nombre es lopez {My name is Lopez}

Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish

Callan: "Sigh" Estúpido gordo {Stupid fatass}

Donut: Wait you speak Spanish?

Callan: Yep. But at the cost of my sleep. All those endless nights of Spanish tests. ¡Vete a la mierda, señor Chang! {Fuck you, Senor Chang!}

Sarge: (Looks at Lopez) Lopez! Speak...English!

Lopez: Mi procesador de inglés ha fallado. Solo hablo español. {My english processor has malfunctioned. I only speak Spanish}

Callan: His English processor has malfunctioned. Possibly from the static

Lopez: Si correcto amigo callan {Yes, correct friend Callan}

Sarge: Or maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model

Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time, not pink

Sarge: (Looks at Lopez) Lopez! I order you to speak a language we understand

Lopez: Negativo {Negative}

Sarge: Well, this is just dandy. Lopez! How. Do. We. Fix. Your. Speech. Unit?

Callan: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine.

Grif: Maybe you should try listening slower

Sarge: Lopez. Would like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (Aims his magnum at Grif) Si señor, gracias {Yes sir, thank you}

Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass!

Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs

Callan: Lopez, I believe you and I are gonna get along just fine

Lopez: Si amigo {Yes friend}

The screen then cuts to black

THE END