Malika

27 Fire

The flames flare up in the fireplace. He sits down before it and turns to her. The glow illuminates his face. His features are pulled taut, cutting the light from the fire like a knife instead of allowing it to slide softly over them. But his eyes remain unfathomable and hollow, not permitting her to understand him this once.

"When I told you not to, Noura, why did you go to meet Daryush?" he repeats, much sternly this time.

"Let me explain," she requests, making her way towards him. "Please do not misunderstand anything."

He doesn't reply and she goes to sit beside him. He looks away into the flames and she looks at him. None of them speak for a while, until Noura reaches out to take his hand in hers.

"If I tell you it was for you, would it make a difference?" she asks quietly.

"I forbade you for you. What difference did it make?"

"If you already knew I was meeting him, why didn't you stop me then?"

He turns back to her, their gazes crashing again like a frantic wave against seashore.

"When have I ever succeeded stopping you in the past? If I had stopped you today, you'd have found another way tomorrow. You're stubborn like that."

"Are you complaining?" she says incredulously, a little flustered.

He huffs, his lips curling up to one side ironically. "I cannot keep you under my eyes all the time. But I can trust you. And if you break my trust, it's not like I'll praise you for it."

"You cannot expect me to do nothing but wait for things to fall into place-- to miraculously work in our favor," she reasons. "I'm not blind to anything. I see you struggling. I know it's difficult for you. That's why I want you to rely on me, Adam. Because if you hurt, I hurt."

"Nothing can hurt me but that which hurts you," he argues back with a calm rage. "Do you know how painful it is to listen to someone only in your memories? To never see them or hear them again? To never feel them in touch but live with a ghost of them? I don't want you to be that ghost, do you not understand? Because I've enough of others to make me feel that way. And it's not a feeling I fancy."

"What scares you?" she dares him to answer, not letting her eyes waver from him. "Is it the thought that I'll run away or the thought that I'll die? Because I can fight everyone for you without ever running away. But if death is destined for me, I cannot fight God for you. And you cannot fight God for me either. Then do you fear that I won't be able to shoulder your burden with you?"

"That doesn't mean you've to jump in the abyss of death every chance you get." He pulls his hand back from her. "But you've to test me mercilessly. Wallahi sometimes I think this heart is not a piece of flesh. Sometimes it's a burning coal. I wonder how my chest homes something like this. I marvel at it. But I hold onto it with my bare hands, Noura. I keep this heart burning for you. But then you go around and burn me like this instead."

His words sends a pang through her and she blinks back tears. "I didn't know my soul is a torture to you."

"For God's sake," he scolds.

"I understand now why you chose to keep me away all this time."

She tries to get up but he grasps her forearm and pulls her back. Noura avoids looks at him for the fear of breaking down before him. She doesn't want to fight him. But she cannot bear to be the cause of his anguish either.

"That is the problem, you never understand," he speaks tenderly this time, no anger lacing his tone. "You're trouble, I wish you would understand that. You've been too fierce ever since your childhood. And I'm not in oblivion to it-- how you're unruly, undaunted, unusual. You don't understand that I'm willing to keep this heart burning for you if it can light your life. But that for me to do this, I need to be sure that you are with me, safe with me. That you don't burn in the process, Noura."