Better as Bones

supposed to be feeling - XXVIII

Briar

Avalynn bites her cheeks, her eyes focused on the ground as the dressmakers slip on the straps. They move to the back, zipping the dress and dusting her face with makeup. Basil stands beside me. They shift nervously. Avalynn swallows.

Three hours until Avalynn is crowned. Three hours. I don't know where I am going to stand or sit. I don't know when I'll be allowed to enter the hall or leave the banquet. But I decided I am going to stay. I have to decide something I want at least. One thing to keep me going through today.

I just have to make it through today.

"Alright your Highness," A dressmaker says, dusting off her skirts as the three of them back up. They all admire Avalynn. Her hand laces up to her elbow as she pulls her arm in. Her eyes trace the hem of her dress. It floats around her feet.

The dress is dark, a deep navy of stormy seas pierced with stars of silver. It's tight around her hips and waist, loosening at her legs and feet. The bodice forms around her chest, pulling at her shoulders. Her hair is still loose around her face, her makeup done with thin dark lines and powder to cover blemishes.

Basil shifts beside me as the dressmakers bow before the exit. They near Avalynn. She only wanted Basil and I with her in the prep room beforehand.

Three hours. How is she?

"Are you nervous?" I murmur as Basil helps Avalynn down from the platform. She steps off carefully, her hand limp in Basils. Avalynn sniffs.

"I guess I have to be. But no." Basil looks up. Avalynn still doesn't meet our eyes.

"It's good you're not nervous," Basil says, letting go of Avalynn's hand. Their eyebrows are drawn in. "Remember when we snuck through the servants halls when we were small?"

Avalynn glances up, nodding. Her lips press together. I watch as she and Basil exchange a look.

"You were so nervous your mother would find us." Avalynn smiles softly, her hand placed on Basil's elbow.

"You knew each other then?" I ask softly. Basil nods.

"Basil and I were friends before everything," Avalynn whispers. Oh. They...grew up together. That's why Avalynn allows herself to be so...free with them.

"My father was a military advisor when Queen Roux decided to terminate the military of Maylea. He brought me along with him most of the time. That's how I met Avalynn." Basil smiles, their eyes softening at the corners as they glance at Avalynn.

"I cut my leg on a screw," Avalynn says. "And Basil got so scared."

"I didn't know if we'd get in trouble!" They exclaim, leaning forward. Avalynn chuckles softly. Basil smiles, shaking Avalynn. She raises a hand, pressing it against Basil's face.

"Okay! Okay!" She shouts as they shake her harder. Avalynn pushes Basil away. "I get it!" She laughs. Basil stumbles back, laughing.

I frown with a smile. They get each other. They understand each other in the way I can never understand others. Perhaps I got Tet that way. Fully and completely, blinding with my entire heart.

Avalynn and Basil turn as a knock rings through the room. They watch as a guard opens it. Avalynn stiffens, her spine going straight.

"Yes?" Her royal voice demands. The guard salutes, bowing.

"Star Bastet Mesbah has been sighted in the Maylean outskirts accompanied by an unidentified male," The guard announces. Avalynn stares. The guard exits, the door clicking.

Bastet's in Maylea.

Avalynn's chest quickens, her eyes spears as her hands begin to shake. Her mouth opens slightly as Basil nears. Her eyes falter, tears spilling.

"Aves!" Basil exclaims, rushing towards her. Avalynn thrusts out a hand, her voice choking as she blinks frantically.

Avalynn crumples, screaming a sob. Her hands hook in her hair, her throat screaming dry. She gasps, her head pulling up.

"The coronation," She gasps, her hands clinging to her bones. Basil drops to their knees, hands shaking as they hesitate. My feet don't move.

She broke. Like she did when Roux died.

Why is she crying over Bastet? Why is she...crying over her mother's murder? She screamed her throat dry in relief but...I'm here? She–she could have come to me. I am here. I am here. Why didn't she see me?

I can't feel the hurt? Why isn't my chest ice with it? Aren't I supposed to be feeling? Burning jealousy and icy worry? I feel like I should be feeling things towards Bastet. Shouldn't I?

"Avalynn?" Basil asks, their hands finally meeting Avalynn's shoulders. She cries, her eyes puffy red, the dark lines of makeup smearing down her cheeks. She heaves, her hands curling in her hair, pulling it down. Basil snatches them away from her, holding her wrists.

Why aren't they seeing me?

Avalynn's on the ground. Basil connected to her. I leave.

The hall hits me heavy. The darkness creeping into the space between my bones. My eyes go blurry. My bones are heavier than stone. My palm presses against the wall as I drag myself. When I blink, I'm in the forest.

The leaves above me rustle in the slight breeze. The dipping sunlight of the sun's zenith trickles down. The ground presses hard into my soles.

Do I have a reason now, you think? Do I have a reason now to die? Can I die? That'd make it easier, I think. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this. I wouldn't have to continue with the heaviness in my bones or the knives in my head.

I wish Hadron had killed me. I wish he would have done worse. Then Avalynn would see me. Then Basil would take up my hands. Then Bastet wouldn't be the one with all the eyes on them. I'm important too, right? I deserve to be seen too? Don't I?

If I wore my scars visibly then people would see me. Then they'd take me seriously, wouldn't they? They wouldn't just push me away again and again.

It's not okay. This isn't okay. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to live.

I should just kill myself. I should just die. Then people would see me. They'd see my dead body, cut by my own hands and say "We should have seen Briar. We should have paid attention." I wonder who would mourn me if I do die. Would anyone?

I hope Odessa is happy. I really...really do.

He mumbled to me about the Moon Water. The healing powers it possesses. Did it help Kimora? Is she okay now? I'm sorry. Someone should have killed me after I hurt her. I hate myself for it.

Thudding in my head echoes with each step. My body moves separate from my thoughts.