Tara, Kape

Part 4

"Putang ina," hagulgol ni Xeng sa staff ng Cake Bites. Alas diyes na ng gabi at nagsara na ang cafe an hour ago, pero bilang valued customer si Xeng at kinakaawaan na rin ng mga staff nito, she's allowed to stay.

Para siyang center of attraction na nakasalampak sa island counter malapit sa cashier at glass cake stand na wala ng laman. Nagma-mop ang iba, nakapatay na rin ang ilang ilaw, at ang ilan naman ay nagpupunas ng mga kutsara at tinidor, but everyone is looking at her. 

Lahat sila may awa sa mukha.

Xeng believes na dahil iyon sa pushing thirties na siya. When you do stupid things in your early twenties, it's stupidity. Do it when you're pushing your thirties, then, it's an obvious cry for help.

At the thought of spending forever alone, tuluyan nang tumulo ang sipon ni Xeng. 

Inabutan siya ng tissue ni Myca, ang part-owner ng Cake Bites at pinaka-close niya sa lahat ng mga kahera. Itinuro nito ang ilong niya. "Uhog mo, mars, pakipunasan. Baka kasi tumulo sa counter. Kakapunas ko lang."

Xeng cries harder. Hinablot niya ang tissue mula kay Myca saka suminga rito. Putang ina talaga. 

Matapang naman talaga si Xeng. She's sophisticated, and she's not a mess, pero hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit rumurupok siya nang ganito pagdating sa usapin ng pag-ibig. Maybe a part of her is scared to be proven wrong. Naniniwala kasi siya that when you invest a lot in yourself, and try to be the best, kusang darating ang pag-ibig kasi duh? 

Who wouldn't want to date you when you have everything the world can offer? 

Pero habang lumalaon ang panahon, parang hindi naman ang successful na career, sariling condo, at malaking suso ang solusyon sa mapaklang love life.

Ayaw niyang tumandang mag-isa! 

Myca leans into the counter, bronze, toned arms popping underneath her tight shirt's sleeves. Kita ang tattoo sleeve nito na may babaeng tila may sumasayaw na bestida. "Have you ever, I don't know, thought deeply about why you want a boyfriend? You're free to date, of course. Landi all you want, but why?"

Are they actually having a talk? The sentimental kind? Kasi kahit naman naging close na ni Xeng ang mga taga-Cake Bites, hindi naman siya sobrang makuwento. 

She just lets them enjoy the view of her crazy dating life.

Minsan, kung 'di niya pa trip na umalis at gusto niya pang tumambay (or when the date was too chaotic, it definitely needed to be explained), she gives a comment or two.

She can't remember being this candid and casual with them. Unless...

"Nakuwento niya na, hon, when she was drunk three months ago yata," Isabella, Myca's girlfriend, tells her. Tumabi ito sa business at love partner nitong si Myca, and Xeng swallows a whimper of jealousy.

Isabella is a tall, slender, mestiza woman with spiral and bouncy brunette hair. Having Spanish blood, she's a foot taller than her girlfriend and is always seen wearing khaki aprons and purple-framed glasses. 

Xeng believes the couple has a love affair with the color purple, dahil maski si Myca, purple ang unat at shoulder-length na buhok.

"Ay gago, oo nga. Sumuka ka pa no'n," Myca narrates the funny stories from that night, and they all starred Xeng.

Oo nga pala, Xeng bitterly says in her head, Cake Bites is also her drinking hub. For years, this is where she drinks coffee to get sober, and where she drinks alcohol to lose herself.

Paano nga ba kasi siya iinom sa club or bar kung wala siyang mga kaibigan? All she has are the people at Cake Bites, and... some of her Timble matches that have become her friends well.

Pero bumalik tayo sa tanong na nag-iwan ng kakaibang pakiramdam sa dibdib ni Xeng. She can't place it, kung hiya ba iyon o awakening. Ang alam niya lang, gusto niyang magpaliwanag sa limang taong nakatingin sa kanya na nais maunawaan ang kanyang sitwasyon.

"Ewan ko ba," Xeng starts with the truth, of course. "Nagsimula ako sa Timble for fun. Wala lang—uso kasi. Then, I enjoyed the app. Nagka-feelings. Tapos parang 'di na ako mapakali kapag walang nakakausap. Then, I wanted to see if I can finally get a relationship. Sa dinami-rami ba naman ng nagkakagusto sa 'yo sa app, imposibleng walang para sa 'yo ni isa, 'di ba?" She takes a swig of her cold beer. "Tangina. Posible pala."

Nagtinginan ang mag-jowa sa harap niya at sabay na nagbuntong-hininga. Xeng copies them and continues her... well, meltdown. 

"Bakit ba ang dali-dali sa iba na magkarelasyon? Ano bang problema sa akin? Pangit ba ako? Halata namang hindi. Baka kasi masyado akong mapili? Masyado bang emotionally unavailble ang mga tao? Malas lang ba talaga ako?"

The questions go on and on in her head. Hindi matapos, parang utang ng bansang Pilipinas.

Ginawa naman na lahat ni Xeng, e. People cannot tell her that she didn't try. Inayos ang sarili, nagpagandan, nag-heal, lumandi, naging cold, naging cool, naging sweet. Name it, she's done it.

Maliban siguro sa momol at mas matinding labanan. Pero, Xeng believes na she has something good to offer. Ayaw niya mag-settle, and at the same time, ayaw niya rin namang hindi sumubok.

"Why don't you let things happen to you for once?" Myca tells her at kumunot ang noo ni Xeng.

"What do you mean?"

"Hindi ko naman sinasabi na huwag ka na mag-ingat ha, pero allow things to happen without overanalyzing it and pressuring yourself na dapat may happy ending ka sa bawat batch ng mga lalaki ide-date mo. Malay mo, when you don't force things, that's when it happens."

The statement takes her aback. She never thought of it that way, honestly. Sa utak niya kasi, she's a catch. She's a good woman that comes once in a lifetime. Losing her would be a regret, kaya pakiramdam niya kung may gusto siya at gusto rin siya nito, they need to happen.

At hindi lang basta happen—it needs to be in her terms because she deserves the best.

Totoo naman, pero 'yong sinabi ni Myca, may natutunan si Xeng.

Letting it happen means you don't tell them how to behave. Letting it happen means you let it unfold so you can figure out if it's something you want for yourself.

She takes another swig, luminya pababa sa kanyang pababa ang sobrang beer mula sa kanyang bibig, at pinahid niya ito gamit ang braso. "You know what, you're right. Dapat baguhin ko ang strategy ko. I need to reallign my focus and bring it back to myself. Literally, I have to enjoy the experience and have a good time."

Isabelle beams at her at pumalakpak nang maliit. She's always been the supportive one. "Sana maraming pogi!"

At sana naman this time, mahanap na ni Xeng 'di lang ang sarili, kundi ang para sa kanya rin.