Tara, Kape

Part 2

Date Number Thirty-Seven comes into Xeng's life a lot later than expected. Out of anger, kahit na nasa Grab pa lang siya, nag-swipe na siya until her thumb was numb. Then, when she arrived at her condo's gate that day, tila nagising siya mula sa ginagawa niya. She's doing it again—spiraling down into the limbo of chaos all because of a failed date.

She hates herself for it, she resents how she easily lets go of control just like that.

Kaya bilang last resort, nagpahinga siya nang saglit sa dating apps. Mga three days. 

Xeng takes a deep breath, stares at her textured ceiling, and stretches her limbs over her cold and soft bed. Sanay naman na siya na ganito, 'di ba? Masaya naman siyang mag-isa. People call her an independent woman who can survive without a man. For the most part, totoo naman.

Kaya niyang ilagay na mag-isa ang isang malaking gallon ng Wilkins sa ibabaw ng dispenser. She can do her own chores, she can provide for herself, at sa mga pagkakataon na parang nadudugrog ang puso niya at 'di siya makahinga, she can pick herself up and be okay again.

She has always been fine on her own, but damn, she'll be lying if she doesn't yearn for love.

Her bones ache for it, for those moments when you look at someone and think to yourself: damn, pipiliin kita araw-araw, sasamahan kita sa mga oras na pakiramdam mo mag-isa ka, mamahalin kita nang buo at walang pagdududa.

Ikaw. Oo, ikaw. Mahal kita.

She rolls to her side at tinitigan ang cellphone sa kanyang nightstand. Checking it first thing in the morning has been her routine for as long as she can remember. Ngunit, ngayong araw, the device frightens her.

May nag-text kaya?

Nagback-out kaya siya?

Gusto ko ba talaga siya?

Gusto niya ba talaga ako?

Bakit ko ba 'to ginagawa?

She takes a deep breath and shuts her eyes. She's back in the dating scene once again. Isang linggo pa lang silang magkausap ni Jake pero parang naghalo-halo na lahat ng trauma niya from her previous connections.

Unlike Ike who she went out with to see if he can be the one, Jake is someone she wants things to work out with. She found him two days after her failed date with Ike. Katatapos niya lang kumain ng dinner noon at habang ngumunguya ng pastilyas, she kept on swiping.

Then her thumb hovered over Jake's profile. Cute ito, may dimples, at higit sa lahat, he's very sweet. Kahit na madalas ay Xeng acts indifferent, she actually likes being pleased, and damn, does Jake deliver.

He texts her randomly and consistently. May good morning, good afternoon, good night, at higit sa lahat, he's curious about her but respectful too. He's funny, eloquent, and decent. He's a sweet relief from the bitter taste that her previous dates left in her mouth.

Hindi kailangang mag-isip ni Xeng kung busy ito o kung nasaang lupalop man ang lalaki kasi he'd tell her. Sasabihin nito na may pasok ito mula alas otso hanggang ala cinco ng gabi, then he'd text her in between breaks.

She loves how he takes that time to tell her how pumped he is about something at work or how frustrated he is that the coffee machine isn't working.

Xeng can't believe it. Malapit na siyang mag-thirty, ngayon pa siya kinilig nang ganito.

Pero kasabay ng kilig, a new feeling began to resurface—insecurity. What if this doesn't work out? What if 'di siya magustuhan nito pag nagkita sila sa personal? She has always been confident about how she looks but Jake from freaking Timble is making her feel anxious.