Better as Bones

weight of sins - XV

"We can make any idea of yours. So what were you thinking?" She asks, eyes wide as she takes up a measuring tape. Avalynn hesitates, her body tightening. She was so comfortable with Basil, why isn't she here?

"Something with dark colors." My voice sounds steady. The red-headed girl glances up, as if she just noticed me for the first time. I meet her gaze. She turns back down to Avalynn, who sits on the tiny stage.

"True?" She asks her. Avalynn nods.

"Yes, dark colors." Her eyes flick to me briefly, something behind the gaze. I stand and watch, twisting my lips. "Simple, too."

"I have an idea," Says a girl in the group. Her dark hair is tied up, eyes sparkling. "A dark dress with shining stars of embroidered crystals. I've heard how you were close to the Gold-Eyed and how their nickname was 'Star'." Avalynn's face drops, her bottom lip protruding just. Her eyes meet the dressmaker.

Bastet called Gold-Eyes Stars. How did this girl hear of that?

"Alright," Avalynn mumbles, her eyes still glued to the dark-haired girl. She lights up as she busies herself with helping Avalynn up on the stage. The red-headed girl stretches her tape as she measures Avalynn's waist. Two others measure the rest of her limbs, the dark haired girl taking the numbers on paper.

These people are all too like buttercups. Avalynn's darkening red petals are bleeding out. Her features contort as thoughts race. She needs to leave here.

"Her highness must leave," I announce. Avalynn's head snaps up, her eyes blazing on me. Her emotions seep through, chilling my bones. The dressmakers look up in confusion. "You have the measurements?"

"Yes, but—" The red-headed girl starts.

"That is enough, then. The Princess has other matters to attend to." I wave my hand. Avalynn steps down, her slip tight on her as she moves next to me.

"Thank you for your talents and time," She says, her eyebrows creased together. The group nods, scattered. Avalynn sneers quietly as she swings out of the room. I nod at the group as I slip out the door, my face hot with embarrassment. Who am I thinking I am? Going around giving orders to dressmakers? My hands go up to my face.

"AGH!" Avalynn grits her teeth. She stomps on the ground, her face a slashing sea of red. Crimson of her emotions pulses out of her. I clasp my pants. "How dare she! She–!" Avalynn covers her face, bristling. Wetness slips between her fingers. "She was so kind."

"I can go tell them to change the dress," I murmur. Avalynn straightens, her eyes puffy and red, dripping with tears. She wipes her nose, huffing.

"No." I nod. Avalynn turns around, sipping a shaky breath as she turns away from my face. "Come on, we have to go write the names of those I'm inviting." Avalynn turns, rushing down the hall.

* * *

The papers Avalynn gives me are like new spring leaves. Like honey on fruits when sitting in the rain. She paces the room in haste, her hands brought up to her mouth. I sit on the floor, back pressed against my bed. She decided to inhabit my room.

"I'm sure you know some of those outside of Maylean borders," I say. Avalynn sighs, her pacing ceasing. She rolls her head. "Start with Lady Sorrel."

"Good. And I do not know, Brina's officials?" I scratch down Lady Sorrel on the paper. Avalynn hums, stepping up to me. Her shadow looms over. "Brina's leaders. Just write down that. Uh, then probably I have to invite Elven officials."

"Do you know any of their names?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. Avalynn nods, her legs slipping beneath her as she sits across from me.

"I know Adler of the Virgulta Elves, Colm of the Skies, Vana of the Seas, Odessa of the Canopies–" What? "And Eshe of the Moon. No Eclipse Elves."

My body is burning. Odessa? Odessa's the Canopies leader?

You deserve all the pain you will ever feel.

"Ah, shit." Knives stab through my ribs, twisting out between the last two. Avalynn looks up as I grab my chest, grimacing.

"Are you okay?" She asks. I nod hastily. The blades slice up, breaking each one of my bones and dicing my lungs. Everything burns too much. I can't breathe.

Avalynn takes the paper from me. My hands grasp out helplessly as she scratches down the names. Her gaze is burned on my flesh. It hurts. My flesh is boiling. My body is too small.

"Are you sure? You do not look good." Avalynn ducks her head down, her dagger eyes soft on my face. I rake my head up, nodding furiously.

I deserve this pain.

Avalynn shifts, rising to a stand. She tucks the paper to her side, her eyebrows drawn together.

"I'm okay," I whisper, clutching my chest. It's not okay. "Just something that happens sometimes." It's not okay.

"Alright," Avalynn mumbles wearily. Her eyes flick across me in study. I squeeze my eyes dark.

I told Bastet, I told them, it's not okay. And it isn't. It's not okay. But I haven't felt anything in weeks. I've been absent of emotion and feeling and being. This pain I feel, it might not be okay. But it's something.

It's like the quiet acceptance of hurt I took at the Meadow, beneath Bastet's gaze. It's like the deafening screaming of me under Hadron's touch. It's something. It's anything. I can feel this pain.

Even if I dreamed for his own. For him to crumple under the weight of his sins. For the karma has gotten him. He deserves all this pain and more. I deserve all this pain and more.

My eyes well. I can feel this pain. I can feel.

Oh. That is what Odessa meant.