Primogeniture (The Firstborn)

3: Felix alone

Looking up, Felix caught site of his own reflection in the large mirror above the fireplace. Moving closer, he examined with intense scrutiny, the fine network of lines, creases and furrows that crisscrossed the surface of his face and the crows feet entrenching themselves stubbornly across the translucent, discoloured, greyish skin around his eyes.

“So,” said Felix to the tremulous questioning countenance staring back at him from the pitted discoloured glass. “What have you been doing with your life? What have you made of yourself?”

The intense blue eyes, the whites traced with a red filigree of capillaries from the hours of reading and booze, peered back at him through the rimless glasses, but they had no answer. The scalloped furrows ascending a high forehead, with straggling wisps of thinning grey hair, tensed, bunched tighter together, looked as though they might provide some answer, but then reverted back to their former position. The full lipped mouth quivered for a moment or two, but spoke not a word. The weak receding chin, remained dumb.

Not a stupid face, Felix considered, but an increasingly haggard one. What will be staring back at me in another 20 years he thought, as he forced his gaze away from his own image; back to the window and the deserted campus below. The contrast to this desolate scene and that of term time, teeming with the activity of student life, suddenly made Felix feel profoundly lonely, sad and very old.

He would be one of the very few who would be spending the break here, although he had at least arranged to spend a few days over Christmas with Sarah and Rebecca at his sister’s in Gloucester. He was looking forward to picking the girls up from Belsize Park the following morning, and driving down. A few days of pampering and relaxation at least, before he had to make any difficult decisions.

He was looking forward to getting away but had a few things to take care of first.

Number one on the list had been a call to Chris Marr, his general assistant and closest collegue. Felix picked up his mobile and dialled.

“Hi Chris, Felix”

“Oh hi, how are things going? How are you coping?” Chris replied in his light hearted, high pitched boyish voice.

“Well you know, not ideal, but got to make the best of things. I’m taking the girls to Hannah’s for Christmas; picking them up tomorrow. Can’t wait to get away”.

“Yes, so very sorry to hear about you and Cee. It must be very hard for you and then there’s the girls. Do you think there’s any chance you two could, well... you know?”

“Kiss and make up.”

“Well, never say never.”

“I think you sometimes just know when it’s over. You also know that you’ve known that for quite a while, but didn’t want to admit it. When the respect’s gone, love just fly’s out after it. Then what have you got left. Just endless rows and confrontation.”

“Is there anything I can do for you before Pauline and I get off?”

“Canada isn’t it?”

“Quebec, spending Christmas and New Year with Pauline’s sister and all her lot. Never been before so should be quite a hoot.”

“Well, I just wanted to wish you all the best, have a great trip and love to Pauline. Christmas cheer and all that.”

“Thanks Felix.”

“There’s just one thing and I know that we’ve talked about this before. I don’t want to bore you with it or anything, but you do understand how quiet we need to keep these results, don’t you?”