His Heart

Chapter three: Charlie

She looked up and caught my eye, smiling back at me before disappearing around the corner. 

I went to pay for the ingredients, and thought about Jasmine again. 

She loved twins and would have immediately struck up a conversation with her about their age and motherhood and before I knew it, we would have had them around for a coffee and a play date. She was the best at making everyone at ease and making new friends. She was sugar all the way through and you couldn't help but love her. 

I swallowed back the emotion gathering at the back of my throat and headed for the car. I looked up and saw her again. She called to one of the twins and took his hand.  

"Why are you two always so boisterous after a weekend with Daddy?" She asked them, as she unlocked a car and began to lift a kid into the car. 

I couldn't help but smile at the motherly ease she had as she balanced the bags on her arms whilst she lifted the kids into the car and strapped them in. She shut the door and placed the bags in the boot before getting into the car all the while keeping a steady stream of conversation to her children. 

How did mothers do it so easily? I got into the car and pulled out, heading home where I would have maybe an hour to make dinner before the kids would be home. 

~*~ 

"Mierda." I growled as the pan bubbled over. 

Why had I decided to cook from scratch? Everything I tried to cook ended up in ashes. I found myself remembering Jasmine's gazpacho and mollete. My mouth watered just thinking about it. The number of times I had tried to recreate her recipes that were leather bound on the shelf. 

"Hola." Madeline called.

"Hola." I murmured as they entered the kitchen. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Cooking dinner." I sighed. 

She laughed. "Do you want some help?" 

"Yes please." 

"Papá, I have homework." Leo said. "Can you help me?" 

"Sure, papi." I said. "Let's sit down here." 

He pulled out a sheet of maths questions and I got a pencil to help explain everything. 

I shared a look with Madeline. She smiled and once again it hurt how much she looked like Jasmine. Little by little, she was growing more like her mother each day. Some days, it was almost like I got a piece of my wife back when I looked at her. 

Leo looked like me, but everything else from the way he smiled to the way his forehead creased when he was concentrating was Jasmine. Through and through. 

I loved my children more than anything in this world. But I loved them even more because they reminded me of my wife. When I looked at them, the love of my life looked back at me through those eyes that told me to read a book or help with their homework. 

Thank you, Jasmine. I thought. Thank you for giving me the apple of my eye. I wish you could see your children now. Look how grown up they are. 

~*~

Dinner was a silent affair. Our family sat down and ate. No chit chat. No music. Just silence. Jasmine would have filled the table with chatter. She would have quizzed the kids about their day and explained the plans for the weekend. There was never a quiet moment with Jas.

Before I had tried to do the same. I asked the kids about school and made plans for the weekend, but somewhere along the way, we fell out of the habit.

Now we didn't really say a word. I watched the kids as they picked at their food, wondering how we had drifted so far.

~*~

Later, I sat on the sofa with Leo whilst he watched The Lion King and looked at the time passing by. I kissed the top of his head, breathing in that childlike scent.

Jasmine used to say there was no greater smell than that of a freshly clean child. The strange mix of warm milk and soap was so soothing and gentle.

Maddie was in her room, reading, so it was just me and Leo. I loved spending time with my youngest. Loved his warm cuddles and obscure questions, his sweet smile and gentle laughter.

When Jasmine was alive, I used to take Leo out in his stroller whilst she spent time with Maddie. He would wave at all the passersby and I would tell him about the world. He would listen raptly to everything I had to say. I was the center of his world. He was the centre of mine.

Now I was splitting my time between the both of them and I couldn't have that one to one time like I used to. They both needed me. They both demanded my attention.

I wished there was someone to share it with. Someone to help lighten the load.

But the only person I wanted to share it with wasn't here anymore.