Motivated to be lazy

Chapter 35

A/N: Thank you to Inferno and Zook who both read over the chapter before the upload and made suggestions. 

The moment I left Ryuen, Ishizaki and Yamada I went straight to my room. Laying down in my bed with my eyes closed I started to breathe deeply. I could feel the change with my eyes closed but I refused to open them. As everything returned to normal, I instantly went to sleep. I didn't want to see, I didn't want to feel.

Instead I traded one abyss for another, white for black. It wasn't until one in the morning that I awoke and saw my other roommates already asleep. A quick glance at my phone told me everything I needed to know, it was done. The Zodiac Special Test was over. Whether that was by Ryuen or by Eiichiro making a deal was yet to be seen but it was over.

Unable to sleep anymore, I left my bed and went out onto the bow of the ship. I was disgusted with myself. Shiina's book clutched in my hand as I made my way to a bench and sat down.

You may think that I didn't really do anything too bad but I had. I lost control of my emotions, I abandoned a friend and I threatened an innocent person who was not only kind hearted but also my girlfriend's friend. I may not have threatened her to her face but what I had done was just as bad to me.

I'm someone who values my friends, they're precious to me. If someone had done what I had done to them I would be out for blood. I'm a hypocrite, a monster. A horrible person.

All because of rage.

The faint yellow glow from the upper decks barely illuminated the area that I was in as I looked out into the black abyss that was the ocean. The stars were out in full force, like tiny fireflies that were just out of reach.

They were the embodiment of my lazy and normal life, close enough to see but too far to reach.

I suppose I should be grateful, I got to enjoy three months of obscurity. I can't blame anyone because this was my own doing. I chose to reveal myself or at the very least it's what I tell myself. I caused this, I left myself vulnerable to being revealed because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

As I looked down at the book in my hands, the cover was a mocking allusion to what I was prepared to do to destroy Ryuen. I stooped to his level, it wasn't the type of life I wanted to live. Analyzing everything that had happened as the waves crashed against the side of the ship, something was amiss with all of this.

There was something about the questions that Ryuen asked, they were too specific. There was no way that anyone could ask themselves those questions. Not unless someone had pointed him in that direction.

I sat on the bench on the port side of the ship. While usually there are people walking in crowds laughing and enjoying themselves tonight it is desolate. I can very faintly hear the sounds of the teachers drinking at the bar above but I can't seem to care to eavesdrop.

Most likely they're talking or arguing about me, I'd rather not pay attention.

Instead under the faint glow and the eerie silence, I started to read. The truth is that I've already read this book before. The curse of an eidetic memory is something that for once I wish I didn't have, I can remember every word on every page of this book. I remember everything that I did, every threat I made, every betrayal.

A quote from this very book edged into the corner of my mind, like a devilish whisper that strangely sounds like my own voice.

'What I feel is that if one has got to have a murder actually happening in one's house, one might as well enjoy it.'

What was there to enjoy? All of this was horrible. Threats against my family, threats against innocents, abandoning friends in need. Is this what this school is about? Is this what life was supposed to be like once I left this school?