His Heart

Chapter one: Charlie

"Hola, mi amor." She said. "I wanted to give you this tape to remember me by, amongst all the other home videos you've shot over the last twenty-eight years."

I laughed.

"There are a few things I want you to know." She said with a smile.

"You already know this, amor, but you are the love of my life." She said. "You and our kids are my whole world. And there are so many things I'll never get to do with them now. So promise me you'll remember for both of us."

I promise. I mouthed, just like I always did.

"I have also made tapes for the children. I will let you decide when to give them to the kids. But make sure they know how much I love them, and remind them that Mamá is watching them always." She continued, and I could see the tears she had tried so hard to hide.

I still have those tapes. I found the box under the bed a few months after the funeral. I haven't decided when I'm going to give them to the kids yet.

"And this is the most important thing and you have to promise to do this." She said. "I want you to remarry. I know you will find love again and I want you to promise me you'll find the right person and settle down when the time is right."

I swallowed.

"I know you, Charlie." She said. "I don't want this loss to be the thing that consumes you. I don't want you wrapping your life around the kids until they move out. I want you to have love. I want you to smile again."

I brushed away a tear and let her voice wash over me like it did when we used to have our long talks.

"I know you will find someone, Charlie. I just hope you don't wait too long and lose yourself in this grief." She said. "You are the love of my life, and I want you to be happy. So don't be afraid of falling in love again. Promise me."

The tape clicked and stopped.

Promise me.

I had never broken a promise to her. She knew that.

I traced the marks on the ceiling and imagined her smiling at me.

"I'm going to find someone, Jas. I will. Just be patient with me."  I whispered in the dark.

~*~

"PAPÁ!" Leo yelled.

"Coming, querido." I called, sitting bolt upright and grasping for the light next to the bed.

I headed for his room where he was rubbing his eyes and sitting on the bed. The sheets were crumpled and damp.

"Come here, querido." I murmured, picking him up. "Let's run you a bath and change these sheets."

He clung to me and yawned as I carried him to the bathroom.

"Let's get these clothes off." I said, as he lifted his arms up.

The sound of running water made Maddie peek out of her room.

"Are you ok?" She asked.

"We're alright, aren't we, Leo?" I murmured.

"I'll change the bed." Maddie said.

"You don't have to, querida. I'll change them in a minute."

"I'll do it." She said. "You get Leo dry."

She headed into his room and I turned to Leo.

"We'll have a quick bath and then go to bed, yeah?" I mumbled.

"Will you read to me, Papá?" He asked.

I sighed. It had been a long day, I just wanted him to sleep.

"We'll read one story." I agreed. "What book do you want?"

"Captain Underpants."

"You got it." I said, lifting him into the bath.

I watched him scrub himself clean before wrapping him in a towel and lifting him out. Carrying him into his room, I picked up the fresh pyjamas Maddie had placed on his bed and waited whilst he put them on.

"That better?" I asked.

He nodded and handed me the book. I lay next to him whilst I read, the words swimming across the pages.

I yawned and looked down, Leo was curled next to me sleeping and I slowly extracted myself from the bed, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

I left his door ajar and went to check on Maddie, whose light was still on. She lay on bed reading and smiled at me.

"Night, querida." I whispered, kissing her forehead. "Don't stay up too late."

"Night Papá." She said.

I closed her door and went downstairs for a drink. Moments like these made me miss Jasmine more. Over the years she had been gone, I had found it was the little things I missed. The evening coffee I would make her, not too strong, one sugar, lots of milk. Watching TV together and rubbing her feet and falling asleep cuddled together on the sofa.

I missed the way her soft smile could make everything else go away.

I thought about her request. I would find happiness again. I would find a reason to love again. But there would never be another love like her.

That was the thing about first loves. They changed you. Shaped you. You never truly got over them. They held your heart in your hands and when it was over, the pieces were scattered all over the place.

And no matter how hard you tried, you could never get back those missing puzzle pieces they took with them.