Taking On The World

This Is Not How It Is Suppose To Be

Thanks for all the support! It means a lot and keeps me writing.

I'll continue to celebrate today even though it is years later and I think about where Joshaya would be today and this story is kind of my Someday story with Joshaya. Happy Someday Day!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes.

Enjoy!

This Is Not How It Is Suppose To Be

Maya closed her eyes, resting her head against the couch trying to steady her breathing as she felt herself start to be nauseous. She glanced down at daughter who unlike herself looked content eating. Maya was happy her daughter was finally latching on easily but now if she could stop herself from feeling sick every time she breastfed and produce enough milk for her daughter then both could be happy campers. She laid her head back against the couch, closed her eyes again, steady her breathing again.

"You okay?"

Maya opened her eyes to see her concern husband looking at her with worry.

"I feel nauseous again," she hated to admit but knew Josh could read her like a book.

Josh nodded, taking a seat next to Maya. he gently ran his hand across his daughter's head. Anyone with eyes could see how in love he was with his little girl. He looked back up at his wife and knew he had to be gentle with his wording and how he asked his questioned because he didn't want to upset Maya, "Do you think maybe it has to do with you breastfeeding?"

Maya's eyes went wide and she felt her heart drop. "You don't think I can feed our daughter naturally."

Josh frowned, "That's not what I said-"

"No but it's what you wanted to say!" Maya snapped, becoming emotional.

"No Maya. It's not what I wanted to say."

"You think I can't feed my baby naturally because I couldn't give birth to her naturally."

Josh furrowed his eyebrows, confused having no clue where this was coming from. "Maya. Stop! That's not what I said and that's not what I think. I'm trying to help."

Maya took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She wiped away her tears, "It's not helping."

Obviously.

Josh thought to himself but stop himself from saying it out loud. He took in his own deep breath and release it slowly turning his attention back to his daughter. Things had been rough between the two since bringing their daughter into the world. Maya had been very hormonal and having some deep guilt over their daughter's birth and whenever things didn't go as plan with their daughter it set her off and Josh did his best to not add to it and be there for her during emotional times. He had been warned about how emotional women can be after giving birth and how up and down things can be but experiencing and living it was something else. Nothing could prepare him for this. One thing he was relieved about was Maya didn't have any negative thoughts about their daughter or wanting to her or herselfso he didn't have to worry about her hurting their daughter or herself. Lately he noticed Maya had been feeling sick every time she fed their daughter or pump and she wasn't producing as much milk as their daughter like to drink. They've been doing everything their doctor suggested and Lynnie was healthy but it was hard to sit by and watch Maya struggle and not be able to do anything. He wanted Maya to noticed about her nauseous and voice it so they could do something about it together because case in point if he pointed out any little thing it caused her to be upset and for her to get mad and snap at him or turn into an emotional mess to the point it was hard to get her to stop crying. All he wanted to do was help his wife. He knew he was going to need backup. He was going to need reinforcement to join him and help.

XOXOXOX

"How you doin', baby girl?"

Maya knew her mother found her in the same position looking the same her husband found her earlier in the day. She heard her mother come in but chose to ignore her for a second to concentrate on trying to make to the nauseousness go away before finally acknowledging her mother.

"Did Josh call you?"

"He did. He is just worried and I always planned to stop by anyway," Katy told her, taking a seat next to Maya. "Because I was missing my Lynnie Bear," she finished her sentence in a baby voice when Maya adjusted her daughter once she was finished so Katy could get a good look at her granddaughter's face. "So even if he didn't call. I would be here checking in on you and seeing Lynnie so don't be mad at him."

Maya sighed, handing over her daughter to her mother and fixing herself before standing up and stretching. She heard her mother gently patting her daughter's back to get her to burp. "I'm fine."

"I know."

"Do you?"

Katy nodded, and she glanced over at Josh as he walked down the spiral stairs. "We do know you're fine."

Maya looked back and forth between her husband and mother and felt herself become even more annoyed at the sound of knocking on their apartment door. She walked through their small kitchen opening the door revealing her best friend. She glared over at her mother and husband as he took a seat on the couch next to his mother-in-law. "Well now that she is here we can really get the party started."

"Maya-"

"Don't!" Maya snapped, already feeling her tears starting to form. She knew what the three of them wanted to talk about. She looked at the three all with worried eyes.

"All three of us love you and we just want to help."

"Riley and I both know how hard it is being a new mom," Katy said, adjusting her granddaughter in her arms.

"Neither of you know how I feel. Neither of you went through what I'm going through. This is not how it is supposed to be. I keep failing. I couldn't have my daughter correctly and now I can't even feed her correctly. I don't want to keep failing her," Maya cried, before looking over at Josh, "And you. I'm failing as your daughter's mother."

Everyone in the room hearts broke at Maya's words. Riley and Katy stepped back giving the couple some space as Josh dropped down on his knees in front of his wife, taking her hands into his and staring into her eyes. "You are not failing us. Having a c-section is not a failure. Bottle feeding your baby is not a failure. Giving your baby formula instead of breast milk is not a failure. She is healthy and passed the tests with flying colors at the hospital and at her checkup. You too. You have been a trooper in your recovery and never complaining and from what I've heard recovering from a c-section is harder than a vaginal birth. It doesn't matter if she is getting her food from a bottle filled of formula or your breast as long she is being fed. Fed is best. Remember? We even talked about this in one of our parenting classes. We agreed formula would be fine if we had to because we wanted our daughter to get the milk she needed. Maya, you are the best mother to our daughter. You are not a failure. Look at our daughter," he instructed nodding over to their daughter resting peacefully in her grandmother's arms. "Our daughter has been nothing but a happy healthy baby since coming in the world. You shouldn't have to keep suffering if you aren't feeling good. You can breastfeed all you want but if you're feeling sick and nauseous then don't feel bad using formula. Our daughter is fine."

Maya glanced between her daughter and husband. She hated herself for feeling the way she feels. She wanted to agree with Josh but couldn't find it in herself. "It's hard."

Josh took in a deep breath, glancing at the other at his mother-in-law and niece. He swallowed, nodding. "I know but we all are here for you. We want you happy and not feeling like a failure because you're not."

Maya stared into her husband, slowly nodding, hoping someday soon she would believe his words.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and please leave a review if you did! Let me know what you are thinking about Joshaya's new story line! Until next timexoxo.