Understand

Chapter 2:Another girl that broke my heart

The sun don't shine, the skies turn grey. I like her. But not In a romantic way. She were my best friend for ages. She always helps me. We played games, laughed and cried together. We still do. I want to hug her so much. I need one from her, too. The only problem is.. she don't like touch. She doesn't even like to be touched by her parents or siblings. I'm filled with anxieties. She helped me the most of the time. But I'm to scared to tell her that I am still depressed. I'm so fucking scared. She wants me to be her best friend, but I don't know how this should work. She don't let me touch her. I want to hold her with my arms, but this is not possible. I hate my life. I'm going to her. She's standing alone in front of the school. "Hey", I say "I'm not okay. I'm still depressed."she just says "oh" and don't say anything else and turns away. She just fucking ignore me. I ask her what's the matter. She says "nothing" and turns away again. She says she still likes me(as a friend), but I think she's lying.

I'm sitting in my classroom. I have maths. Oh I hate Math so fucking much. "So what about you? What's the difference between 27746482:91 and 2774,6482:91 and solve it.", my teacher says to me. Fuck. Everyone is staring at me. I say nothing. My best friend ist staring too. I still didn't say anything, so she starts laughing. Then the whole class does the same. I want to die. Fuck. Mabey when I jump out of the window I will die? I just go out of the room. I'm going home. I don't want to sit here anymore. I'm never coming back.

Some older kids Heard what happened and invited me to hang up together. Of course I said yes. They are talking the whole time, but I don't. They ask me why I don't speak and I say nothing. They talk again and ignore me.

At home I'm starting writing again down my feelings. I use notes and a lot of rhymes. It helps me a lot. It's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep. I'm crying in my bed. Crying Is a powerful emotion. And I'm very emotional. I hope soon there will be better days. I'm literally fighting with the demons hiding far beyond my eyelids. And there the voices are again. They're telling me I'm shit. Again. I could pilot these voices and feelings. But I can't.

I think I have to change if I want to be her friend. I'm not able to change who i am. I know that I can't wake up. This could be a dream. But it's not a dream. She don't give a fuck about me. I hate this life so much. I need help. I really need help. I'm going down the stairs and I see my mother watching a movie on tv. "Mum?", I say. She answeres with "Yes?". Ok lets go. Come on say it. "I want to die". She stands up and hugs me.