𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐃𝐢𝐞 ―𝐭. 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

8 || Uncertainty

Teetering on the edge of the stability of a civil life and the comforts of gangsters--that was where you found yourself daily, and at the moment, the former was taking the lead.

As you crammed the history of dead soldiers who meant nothing to you, you pushed up your glasses and sighed. The clock on your nightstand told you that it was time to sleep for the exam taking place in five hours. Your mind told you otherwise.

"Study," it whispered. "If you fail, you'll lose your standing as an honor student and have no chance of finding a job in the future. Without a stable job, how will you ever earn the money to give Heizou a normal life? It all rests on you, (y/n)."

It was then that a knock came from behind, followed by the quiet creaking of an opening door. You turned around to see your younger brother in his pajamas, his hair sprawled as if he just woke up.

"Sister, you're still studying?" he asked with a yawn. You nodded and fully turned in your swivel chair.

"Did I wake you?" you murmured. "I'm sorry, Heizou."

He shook his head quickly before saying, "I got up for water but I saw light from your room and came to see...(y/n), why do you study so much? You let me hang out with my friends but you don't even let Mikey visit you now."

"I like studying, and I'll play with my friends after exams are over," you lied with a reassuring smile. "Go back to sleep. You have tests today too, right?"

He nodded and left after wishing you sweet dreams, and you dropped your smile immediately. Heizou was still in elementary school, younger than you by around three years; thus, there was no reason for him to worry needlessly about school. You were going to work hard and ensure he has an easy life, free from worrying about price tags and bills.

Leaning back in your chair, you glanced at the photos framed by your nightstand of you and the founding members of Toman. It was true that you haven't seen them in a while--the last you saw Mikey was when he came to you after an argument with Draken. You tried your best to comfort him and give him advice on the matter, but you could tell that his feelings were still sour by the time he left, knowing that you needed to study.

The two were fighting because of Pah's arrest. He had let the police take him away in at the warehouse, and while Mikey didn't want Pah to give himself up, Draken didn't want Pah's decision to be in vain. As much as you would've liked to talk to everyone and settle their dispute, studying for finals wasn't something you could push off. The most you could do was listen to Mikey and Drakon's worries, urging them to apologize to one another, but was that really enough on a serious topic?

"...How terrible I am...to put my grades above my friends."

You stared at the photo a bit longer before taking your glasses off and turning off your night light. You felt around for your headphones and connected it to your phone, shuffling through a playlist before slumping onto your bed. The music, at least, would help you stop thinking. And it did. Everything drowned out.

You let the darkness flow into your mind and lull you to sleep.

───※ ·✟· ※───

"(y/n), how did you do?" The voice of a bright student caught you off guard. Everyone was stretching and getting out of their seats after the bell rang, signaling the end of the exam period. It was finally summer vacation.

"I think I did decent," you smiled humbly in response, earning laughter from those around you.

"You're so modest, (y/n)-chan. You're our top student, after all!"

"Let's go to the beach now that it's summer!"

"Hey, (y/n), wanna go to the festival together to celebrate?"

"Oh, yeah! Isn't the festival tomorrow?"

To their disappointment, you shook your head "no" as you packed your belongings, excusing, "I'm going with another friend and my brother to the festival, but maybe I'll meet you all by chance."

"Oh, okay. Can't help it if you already made plans..." 

"Let's for sure meet up, okay?"

As the group of students surrounding you disintegrated, Maiko sat on your desk and watched as you put away your pencil pouch and zipped your bag. There was a smug look on her face.

"Hey, are you going with him to the festival?" she asked as she wiggled her eyebrows, making sure her voice was low so that others wouldn't hear. She was referring to Mikey, whom she kept assuming things about no matter how many times you explained that the two of you were only friends. You believed it's because she doesn't understand that he skips school entirely and visits you occasionally, not that he skips school just to see you.

"No, I'm not," you smiled. "I'm going with his younger sister, Emma, and another girl named Hina." Because Takemichi was affiliated with the gang, Emma finally had another girl, Hina, to befriend. You paused at the thought.

Takemichi was a...peculiar person. There were moments where you wondered how he was even a part of a gang when he was cowardly and childish. And then, there were moments where you could've mistaken him for Shinchirou when he was stubborn and courageous. Those moments were brief, however, but nonetheless there. 

According to Emma, he single-handedly stopped Mikey and Drakon's fight because a piece of shit landed on his head. How it got there, you weren't sure, but the fact that he stopped their argument when you were so busy was undeniable. You wanted to thank him for that.

Rising from your seat, you held your bookbag and walked out of the classroom with Maiko as she complained about not being able to see you in a yukata. She was leaving for a trip to Hawaii right away and couldn't go to the festival with you; she went as far as inviting you to her trip, but there was no way you could cover the expenses. 

"I guess it's time for us to part ways," Maiko whined, snapping you out of your thoughts. You realized that you were at the train station already.

Chuckling, you gave her a hug and said, "Don't be so dramatic. We'll see each other when you come back. Have a safe flight and have fun!"

"Send me pictures of you wearing the yukata, alright?" she remarked as she waved goodbye. 

You smiled, waving back as she stepped into the train. As the doors closed and the train departed, you stood by yourself. A motley of different kinds of people briskly walked past you, some wearing business outfits, some wearing school uniforms, some wearing t-shirts, dresses, costumes. There were so many different kinds of people walking past you, knowing who they are and where they lie in the huge puzzle of life.

You watched as they walked to wherever they were meant to be. You looked down at your own feet and noticed how they didn't move. Day by day, you were confused by your two very different lives. Were you to walk down the path of a delinquent or the path of a civilian? Were you to stay true to yourself or be "normal?" But, what even was "true" to you?

"Tell me," you thought wryly, sinking down onto the ground and hugging yourself. The sound of the incoming train buzzed out the sound of people's footsteps. 

"Who really am I?"