stopping at a more secluded place of the building they were in, she huffed out and bit her lip out of nervousness of the question she was gonna ask. it was either gonna embarrass her or clear up everything. that stupid heart racing feeling came back like it was always there. "na jaemin, do you like me?" she stammered. not truly believing that she could speak the sentence so clearly.
his blank expression made her nervous. she felt extremely nervous. god it wasn't like it was her feelings. she wasn't even confessing, nor was the boy. why was she so panicked. seeing him just stand there like the bitch he was. could he just answer the fucking question.
seeing it morph into the blank expression to his normal cocky one, she couldn't help but relax at him being his normal self. with the corners of his lips quirking up, she just wanted him to say no so she could feel better.
"would you like me to?" she felt her heart drop. no, why couldn't he just give a straight answer. why couldn't he just answer right. please, please, please. just make it a joke and say no. please get rid of the heart race and get rid of the pain. she hated this. he hated him.
"toki, do you like me?" she felt like she was gonna throw up. why did she feel like she was gonna throw up? god please. please let it be a dream. "toki, you like me don't you." she felt like her heart was gonna explode and run out of her chest. she was so focused on her sickliness that she didn't notice how close he was to her.
"jaemin.. you like me as well huh.." she could barely even make out the words she wanted to say. she didn't even know if her words had made sense. "i do, toki. whatever you want from me toki, i'll do it for you." what did she want?
biting her lip, she didn't know what to say or what to do. she felt her stomach twist and turn from nervousness. "if i told you that i want to kiss you, would you let me?" why were these words slipping out so easily? "if that's what you want, i'll let you."
feeling her breath get swept away from her with those words. "if i told you that i never wanted to see you ever again, would you leave me alone." he nodded, why was he being like this. "if i said that i wanted you to be my boyfriend, would you act like one?" he smiled and leaned down, kissing her without saying a word. leaving her stunned and hiccuping. "i like you toki, whatever you want i will give you. just give me the word and i'll do it for you." she couldn't help but hiccup and panic.
"jamie, do you want to be my boyfriend?" she hiccuped, watching him smile and pick her up. "come on now clementine. up to class now." maybe that's all she needed to know for an answer. she felt unsure but she felt safe. she continued to hiccup on the way, the sickly feeling faded away. maybe it was okay with that.
i wish i never asked. i wish i never stopped him. i wish i pretended that it never happened. i wish i just pretended it was another drunk idea. maybe, maybe if i wasn't stupid. you stupid stupid bitch. i am that stupid stupid bitch. if i just knew better, why would i pick to do that shit.
why did i choose to get involved with na jaemin. the things he got me wrapped into will haunt me. i wish i was never apart of the same class as him. i wish i wish. i wish i never moved schools.
all i can do is wish. i wish i could relive those choices and redo what i had done. i could've lived a better school life if i was left alone. i think about worlds where i never made the choices i made. it feels like a dream whenever i have one. because of how much it feels like freedom. na jaemin was the restraints to my freedom.
he pulled me back from my freedom. and for that, a fucking bitch. i hate na jaemin. i hate for what na jaemin did to me. i hate na jaemin so much. i hate him. i wish i never met him. i wish i never asked. i wish i never did anything.
na jaemin is the worst. na jaemin is the devil in disguise, but jaemin wasn't in disguise. he was in plain sight. he wasn't hiding, he wasn't even trying to hide it. and i hate him for that.
"jamie, jeje, what drinks do you guys want this time?" she hummed standing up from the lunch table. "ooh there was this new fruit tea in the vending machine." the boy cooed, always liking to try different things from the vending machine. "peach drink." he nodded, making sure to take note of how much money she would have to ask for them to pay her back.
"so you two are dating." he smiled making him raise an eyebrow. "why do you know?" he looked at him weirdly, not sure if the girl made it known to the boy. "oh no, i don't. you two are acting differently and toktok has been more embarrassed of everything." he cooed, looking at him with an interested expression. "so you're finally doing the thing?"
"lets see how long it last till i break." he hummed, waiting for the girl to come back. "i heard haechan blew up on renjun again. honestly, their break up gives me a headache. knowing renjun and all, he literally tries to act puppeteer." the boy snorted, the whole relationship problem between the two of those boys was hilarious to everyone who were desensitized to such a thing.
"will toki be fine without you though? foreigners are kinda.. you know." he questioned. that he didn't know if he could answer. it was a hit or miss with the school. if he left, he could ruin it for her. but it wasn't like she didn't leave a mark as someone in the school.
it doesn't take long if you hang around the right group. "fruit tea and peach." popping the bottles in front of the duo, they muttered thanks leaving her to calculate the money she needed from them. "so have you guys kissed." coughing, she struggled to open the bottle to her drink.
"yeah." she couldn't even start to drink her drink before she was hunched over to breathe. "toktok, have some self control now will you." this bitch.
"you told him?"
"i'm gonna be honest, he found out by himself."
jeno during our relationship was a pain in the ass. he would nag and would only ever like to tease me. knowing that jaemin wouldn't react at all to the teasing. he had a sort of ego and pride out of the relationship so this was terrible.
the relationship was such a headache. it was nice at first but god did it become rocky. it was just slowly but surely spiraling and i didn't know how to escape. the hell of whatever the fuck that was. it was like a living hell, i was in a living hell. had i just not been picking the wrong people. it's whatever. it doesn't matter now.
it doesn't matter what happened, it has been long over. it's all over. it doesn't matter what happened back then anymore. i'm just remembering what happened, not reliving it. i'm living a better life, what happened then isn't happening now.
what happens is in the past and i can't live with grudges. na jaemin is not my past, he is a memory. and that is how he should stay to be. fuck na jaemin. he doesn't deserve to live as my past or my history. he doesn't matter anymore.
na jaemin doesn't matter anymore. na jaemin is a fucking dust in the memory of my life. he deserves to stay that way. na jaemin deserves nothing in life.
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entry #11 completed
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posted; 8/3/22
