still friends

Chapter 1: Greetings

April 2, 2023

He isn't sure he can think or feel or live.

Like a tv in black and white, it was all static. Bucky's bleak life becoming as horrendous as those old picture shows his ma used to force him to watch with his little sister, and it's suffocating.

His life had been far from easy, even after Thanos, but he had at least been able to feel. He could remember what it had been, how it had felt. How laughing with a skinny Steve would make his stomach burn, or the feeling of a girls hand in his would make his heart flutter.

There had been a goal in him, a want. Fuel to the fire that was his existence but now it burned him. After all the brain swapping, memory loss and aching pain, it withered at his soul, chipping at him, until he began to crack and splinter.

He hates it. Hates his existence, hates the new world he's supposed to understand. Hates Steve for leaving him alone in it. Hates Tony Stark for being lucky enough to die.

Around him, the heroes he fights side by side with continue living. They move on, get married, and he envies them for their ability to live.

He watches as Pepper Potts lets go, as she sends her beloved down the river bank and bravely takes her daughter by the hand, ready to lead their company into a reborn new wave of prosperity.

He cannot let go when he so desperately clings to the past. Now that he can, he clings to the memories of murder; the ones committed in-front of him, or by him. It's the echoing of screams that lulls him to sleep, and it's the ringing of sobs that jerk him awake.

There is nothing but the past for him, not a damn thing. With Steve gone, the Avengers became his family, and he tries to act on it, but he keeps them at a far distance.

Reliving is what keeps him going. Feeling the guilt crushing him, it's what gets him out of bed; it's kind enough to grant him a purpose.

He wants to be whole; to feel again. Knowing he'll never deserve it is punishment enough.

What is happiness exactly? He isn't sure he remembers.

He feels a great debt to the Wakandens for stripping him of the winter solider programing. At least with that, he knows he won't cause anymore harm.

The first time he remembers he's alive is when the love of her life dies.

They were both snapped, so when they both returned, she hadn't known Vision was dead until after the final fight. When Tony had breathed his last, everyone had been reverent, holding their breath in honor of him.

Expect her.

She'd been looking around wildly, burnt orange hair wiping back and forth, and she'd flown off while the rest of them mourned. He watched her leave, her chaos magic lifting her for miles until she was just a spray of red.

It wasn't until later that he found out what happened to Visions body, and that she couldn't have it back.

A part of him felt sorry for her, as she was now alone in the world, with her brother being dead and all. But then Steve had left, taking hope with him, and Bucky had been desperately alone too.

So, he stands here on Wilson's porch — clutching his glass hard enough it cracks — trying to act. Act like he's mourned and moved on, like the rest of them.

The music is pumping so loudly it thrums against his back. From inside he can hear them singing along terribly to music in an aroma of alcohol and happiness. It's like static to him.