learn to react, sofi

chapter three

HOW SOFI ADJUSTS: 

sometimes I wonder what kind of girl I would be if I didn't have an inability to show reaction. would I still love the color yellow and love to sleep in pink warm and a little bit of cold sheets? it will be a lot easier, a whole lot easier for me to live, for me to go on and just, be there. I envy the version of the girl I could have been. The girl who knows how to react, how to cry at sad times and how to smile at happy times.

If I was a girl with ability to show reaction- adjusting wouldn't be part of it, at all. but I'm not a girl with an ability to show reaction. so I adjust, so I carry on. this time, feels unknown. because I don't know what a girl is supposed to do after she found out that her parents hasn't been there for her.

"sof, what's wrong?" Julie asks and I look up to her, she looks pretty, she always looks pretty. so I say, "you look pretty." she smiles, she always does, I love that about her.

"thank you, sweetie. and I know that you can't show reaction so I'm asking you, is everything okay? I'm always gonna be here for you." Julie says and it feels nice so I tell her, "Thank you, I appreciate it so much. It feels nice."
"your welcome. Now tell me, you okay? You mentioned your parents earlier so uh, did they do anything?"
"I am....I just, my parents..." it was weird. i'm good when it comes to words, i'm good with sharing mine. but right now, the air feels sticky, the table feels too much connected to the floor and the purple wind chime hanging above my bedroom door doesn't feel home anymore.

"sofi?" julie says my name out of the blue.

i'm happy that at least i got julie above all.

i tell julie everything. from the stories to stories, from pages to left over lines. from words of lighter heart to happiness in the form of visual love letters. i also break into poetically describing her whenever she's around, that's one of the effects julie has on me. adjusting isn't there when it comes to being with her, it's simply just living.

but we're on the topic of how i adjust to things, so let me get back on that. smiles and then straightens up.

you know how you're at a place and it's like the most uncomfortable atmosphere ever? what do you do? you make sure you pull it off OR you leave right away. in my case, it's everywhere, well- almost. that's where adjusting comes. feeling cold in a place where it's hot? adjust. feeling like you're about to die right at any moment because people are talking so loudly? chewing in an annoying? adjust. a noise cancellation headphones sometimes helps you to live and function but not fully, what do you do? adjust.

most of the time, it works because i don't visit a lot of places on a daily basis of my life. home, college, part time job, home. that's it. But when I do, I make sure that I'm prepared for it. Which can take hours, days, weeks. Adjusting is more of a craft for me, an unspoken hobby. It's something I don't hate and I don't like it either, it exists because it needs to exist.

"What will happen if you stop adjusting?"
"I'm sorry?"
"What will happen if you don't adjust and just do whatever you want?"
"..."
"Well?"
"I guess, I didn't think that I could ever have the choice to not want adjusting. I believed that adjusting will make me..."
"make you...?"
"More tolerable."

...

few years ago, my parents invited me to their place. It's more of a family gathering but also not in a way. Because it's a gathering full of family people who succeeded in life (succeed as in not drop out of high school and college, had clean life, no criminal records) so aunt Rebecca and uncle Jason and his family couldn't come, because they weren't invited.