Safe Haven | Billie Eilish

15

After a while of Billie's breathing techniques and calming voice, I was officially back and calm again. Now I actually need to figure out what's going on, I mean with me, I kind of don't care about what my parents do to me because it would be worth it for this day I've spent in a loving home.

Billie and I had decided that it would be best if we went back to her room, it was infact relaxing for me to be in there but the only thing that was a problem was her LED lights so I didn't speak to her but I basically signed in one way or another, what I meant was acknowledged and it was sorted. Billie turned her LED lights off for me and also shut her curtains because my head was still pounding. I decided sitting on her bed was probably the safest this time around because there was no sharp or hard things to fall onto.

Maggie on the other hand was prepping some food for me because after this morning and not being about to eat due to my episode, it kind of makes me nervous to eat again. I mean what if it happens again? It could right, I mean it's happened twice already so what's a third time?

"Haven, only tell me if you want but what happened earlier?" Billie asked.

I took a deep breath, I can only avoid talking for so long and Billie needs to know before this gets worse, maybe I'll just talk to Billie for now.

"I left something at home that I shouldn't have. I left my medication at home for my insomnia as well as for my depression. I've never really stopped taking it but the one time I had it was mayhem. I've not taken my meds since well I guess it was about two days ago although I can't really remember but yes, I left them at home so I'm assuming that's the thing that is the cause of whatever happened in the garden but there's something else that caused it as well, I left notes for my parents before I left, mainly because I thought I'd never come back or have to face them again, for many reasons I hoped that it would be the last time our paths ever crossed but I guess I wrong and I'm just worried that people are looking for me or thinking I'm dead when I'm actually alright and have no way of telling them but at the same time I really don't want to tell them because if they know I'm safe then they'll come looking for me and that potentially could end really badly." I ranted.

Billie's face never changed and in some ways I was so thankful for that, she didn't pressure me and she didn't judge anything I said. The anxiety that I had gain was now diminishing.

"Ok let's break it down, you've left your medication at home. That's fine, we can gets some more for you don't you worry about that. Whatever happened in the garden happened, I'm not going to judge you for anything I saw, I just want you to know when you're ready and you've worked it out then I want to how I can help you during that kind of episode. I'll do anything I can do to help you and make your life easier. Don't worry about your parents, although I have no clue what they've done or what they're capable of, I know for a fact that you won't be touched when you're with me." Billie told me.

I relaxed a little, I don't exactly want to take my meds still because I'm convinced that I don't need them and that being on them is the reason I need them. However on the parents situation, I really hope that what Billie's saying is true and that they can't get to me because I'd rather not put Billie or her family in danger because knowing my parents I don't think they'd make it out alive.

"Can I ask you a question?" Billie asked.

I nodded, I suddenly felt a lot better than I had previously but only a little more brave than before.

"Have you ever passed out before today?" Billie asked.

I paused for a brief minute just to genuinely think, I mean I know I thought about it earlier but still just got to triple check.

"Only once but there was a proper reason behind that and it wasn't like today. Today was different, today felt like it was something inside my body that was either not working or wasn't working exactly how it was meant to. I mean I obviously didn't expect it, it was such a shock to me and I was so tired after but I was almost like my body felt better, more alive if you will. I don't know honestly." I told her.

Billie thought for a minute before answering me.

"I'll talk to my mum and see what she says as well, and I suppose we will have to talk to a doctor before you get a diagnosis but I think there's probably something there that's not been noticed before because you haven't been able to notice it and obviously no one else cared enough to notice." Billie said coming off a little more harshly than I think she meant to.

I know she meant well, I tried my hardest to stay calm because well me and harsh tones don't exactly mix as we've established before but I still had noticed the sudden feeling of my heart rate increase, I had no chance to tell Billie before I felt the sudden darkness take over me.

Being completely out of it is less than fun, it is scary to say the least. All I can "see" is black and hearing sounds like I'm underwater. I can't exactly stay calm but I know the more I freak out, the worse I feel.