why cant i hate you - victoria de angelis

ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪɴ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ʟɪғᴇ

🇯 🇻 🇱 🇾 - 2022

vic
i'm sorry
seen

i've finally opened the message she send me a week ago, i wasnt able until now.

ive had a lot of messages from the boys too, asking me how i was doing. my standard reply is always 'okay' but i think we all knew that wasnt true.

i havent been able to do anything good with art these weeks, my inspiration is nowhere. i tried to paint on canvas the other day but the only thing i could do was make harsh stripes that almost ripped the whole white canvas.

my phone vibrated in my hand and i looked up from my lap, i got a message

vic
can we talk?
seen

i sighed, typing a response then deleting it again. i need answers, not knowing why she doesnt like me anymore is killing me.

you
my place at 8
seen now

i put my phone away again, its now 7 so she should be here in an hour. i dont remember if she has the keys, i think she does though she never comes over.

i go in bed and take a small nap, im incredibly tired but i didnt do anything today. i put the alarm on 19:50.

i close my eyes and try not to overthink,
in some minutes im finally asleep.

-

"lavi?", i hear someone call out to me, i feel a hand shaking me on my shoulder which makes me open my eyes.

vic is standing infront of me, looking pretty as always. i look at my phone and it says 20:05, i slept over my alarm. shit.

"sorry i overslept", i say while getting up and walking to the livingroom, she follows me and we both sit on the couch.

its silent between the both of us when vic starts talking, "im sorry, i shouldnt have let you leave that day".

i scoff at her and her eyes look up at me, "im just a mistake so it shouldnt really matter".

vic took a deep breath, she mentally wanted to punch herself for saying that to damiano.

"i didnt mean it lavi, i was just scared. i didnt want to admit anything, i was scared you would leave me and that i would lose you. being more distant would make it easier for me when you would leave".

i stay quiet, taking it all in. i look at her eyes which says enough for me, she wasnt lying. i just dont understand why she would ever think i would leave her.

the silence falls again as vic starts explaining further, "the truth is that im selfish, and i hate that about myself. i only thought about my own feelings and completely neglected yours, i dont deserve you and i thought you would realize that too sooner or later".

i saw a small tear falling from her face, it hurt me a lot to see her like that. though i started to realize things about our relationship, it wasnt good for the both of us.

then also the thing with valeria, i was hoping that wasnt true.

"if you love me then why did you cheat on me?", i ask her gently, patiently waiting for the answer.

she took a deep breath, "i never wanted her to come over, she heard trough a friend of thomas that our relationship wasnt doing good and she took adventage of it. she barged into my place and started to kiss me but i immedietly pushed her off of me. she didnt want to leave so i called damiano and he got her out of my appartment", she explained.

i finally realized that i was wrong, i believed her toxic ex out of all people and not her.
i felt angry at valeria, shes a psycho for fuck sake.

"im sorry, i shouldve believed you", i admit but she protests.

"you have nothing to apolagize for", she says while picking her nails, she always does it when she is nervous.

a silence starts again and i dont know what to say, until she looks up again.

"im leaving with the band in 2 days, we got an offer in america at a big recordlabel", she says, though she doesnt look that excited.

"thats great vic", i tell her, im trying my best not to show my sadness right now.

i know these kinds of deals will atleast take a month, which means i wont see her or the boys in a long time.

"maybe when you get back, we can pick off where we left off?", i suggest.

i didnt even know what answer i want to hear, i want to be with her but i know right now its not whats best for us.

"maybe", she says with a sigh, looking at me with her blue eyes. she gets closer to me and presses a kiss on my head before standing up from the couch.

"ill be back, i promise", she says before taking one last glance at me, she turns around and leaves my appartment.

i feel relieved that we finally talked, though i am scared to death weather or not well be okay again.

the only thing i can do now is wait and hope we didnt mess up everything.

maybe its for the best.