A perspective

Chapter 1 : My brain is on fire

The trees swayed so calmly and brought a sort of peace to the world as if every echo could be heard right now, everything was still, it was beautiful. I have always thought the world was a horrible and degrading place, humans were either full of emotions or lacked it and finding love in this world felt hopeless. We live our lives to the fullest, trying to find love, starting families, getting that dream job, just living and I wanted nothing to do with it for the longest time.

I used to sit in my room and the memories of my life were slowly drifting out of my mind, I did not want to remember anything. I sit here now wishing that I could remember, remember the memories my friends talk about. Tears streamed down my face from the pondering thought of having normal happy childhood memories with my family, I remember nothing. I erased them because I wanted to erase myself. I did not want the validation of being happy, I hated the world and myself.

    I have never had the perfect life, I tried so hard to fit in with society but as always I was rejected. I have loving friends and a loving family, but in order to achieve a healthy state of mind one must love themself in their own body before they allow any other form of love to be induced into them. Having the courage to look at myself in the mirror and say that I was proud of myself, telling me one day I will be loved while the pent up pain dripped from my eyes. The brain could make you hate yourself, it's true. Everyone goes by the saying *listen to your brain not your heart* but when the brain is the one destroying you it is a different story. My brain eats at me, destroying me, telling me to destroy myself.

    Internally I am crashing, I read to distract myself from reality. I just want to enjoy the world the way the author portrays it. I want to be in this world to be happy but that is something I just can not do. This universe and my stars do not align, time after time I hurt myself in ways unimaginable. The fact that I am writing this just to get my emotions out in the most vague way possible is very outlandish, I want to connect the reader to my situation without them fully understanding the depth of my feelings, I want them to understand how my brain works but not have them indulged in what is actually going on. The details are not important, the complexity of how a mentally unstable brain functions is.

    Darkness holds a toll on my brain, irrational thoughts and being in solitude helps me gain a sense of security. I discovered what I did wrong in this chapter in my life. I made friends who care about me and love me for who I am. The hardest part for them is that I will need to let them go and vice versa for them.

    Love is an incapable feeling that in all honesty is uncontrollable. Everyone goes through things and in reality we all go through it in our ways. It is hard to tell someone how to cope when their shoes have been worn out and tattered. To belong to such a feeling is horrible.

    Encasing yourself into such a deep emotion to the point where the individual becomes numb or just wants to feel nothing at all is where the lowest point is. Medication could solve those scary thoughts, Medication makes the scenarios go away but that is what also kept the juices flowing.

    Happiness is something all of us crave and it is also something that is very hard to capture. Bottling up feelings until the bottles overflow and burst always seems like the right thing to do, to close off anyone who tries to enter the small bubble that was made just for me. I felt like being alone was the only option because I was the only person I have ever trusted. I only relied on myself for everything, fighting a battle with my mind and struggles, a battle that lasted so long where I surrendered. I am sitting here typing out all of the emotions I feel inside of my mind. I have to get everything out without sharing explicit details.

    I always wondered what it was like to be truly happy. To not experience hardship in my life. It must be wonderful, but pain brings lessons and from those lessons I have learned so much. Despite being mentally ill and having to carry the burden of being the problem child, I gained a lot of knowledge by knowing how to comfort others because I was never offered the same comfort. My friends call me the "mom" friend although I hate it I really just want them to succeed in life. I want them to not feel what I have felt over all these years. Pain and misery can take a toll on someone's life, a huge toll. Standing there in a room full of people yet the mind could be elsewhere. Dissociation and not having the motivation to do things that used to bring by joy could disrupt a whole lifestyle. Feeling like shit all the time, thinking time is always running out and wanting to be happy when it is impossible at the time is very mentally exhausting

  Watching life go by, watching it flow past the tips of your fingertips like your life is always two steps behind everyone else. Fighting for your life and no one would see it. Your brain is eating at you, fighting you and beating you every single time. It tussles with you until you throw in the towel, until you either seek help or end your life altogether, proving its point that it is stronger than you. You sit there thinking and you think thinking is bad, so you try to blank out but can not. Stuck, stuck in that position where you can not be okay, where you want to be happy and you can not. Your family wonders what happened to the old you, why did you harm yourself, why you wanted to feel something other than melancholy. You just wanted to stop being gloomy and wanted to stop distancing yourself from everyone you love so much.

    Your heart can not take the pain of leaving them eternally, yet you want the overflow of emotions to stop flooding into you. You sit there thinking "is this really that selfish when they would be happy knowing that this would bring me happiness". Is it really worth all the pain it will bring others?