It Was There

"You don't know what it's like. Don't you come up to me and try to explain what's wrong with me. I already know what's wrong with me! I'm a depressed, broken, and dying man! I've lived my life shouldering the burdens of others because I just want to do the right thing! I... I just want to be there for people, now I'm not asking for anything in return, but it'd be nice for people to be there for me! I've made mistakes and those mistakes, no matter how small or big they are, haunt me! Kill me! I torture myself because I feel I deserve it, I feel like a bad man for those dumb mistakes I've made! So don't you come up to me and try to say you understand because you don't. And you never will." I felt my knees weaken. I felt my stomach forming knots and my throat squeezing tightly as I fought back the tears. For so long, I've been alone and there've been points where I'd nearly given up but for some goddamn reason I don't. She just stood there, watching me as if I'm some sort of mythical being come to life, that or some zoo animal.

"I... I understand that it's hard and I understand that I will never know what it's like for you, but you pushed me away. I opened up to me, I told you I was ready for a relationship and a few weeks later? You said you were moving on. You left me, do you hear me? You left me!" She began to yell. I felt my heart sink so deep into my chest that you'd never be able to find it. It was broken anyway and I couldn't suffer the cuts of picking them back together for a cause not worth fighting for anymore. She's right. I knew it and I'll live with it, because I deserve the pain.

"I... I pushed you away because I was scared. I let my insecurities drown me in doubts and I knew you deserve someone better than me so I..." I felt my words lump in my throat.

"I what?" She asked, stepping closer to me. I backed away.

"So I thought I was doing you a favor." I finally say, tears beginning to streak down my face.

"What?"

"I thought... I tell myself that I'm a terrible man, that I don't deserve anything. So... I thought I was saving you. Saving you from myself. Letting you go to find someone better." I say, beginning to sob now.

"I... we... we both lived bad lives." She said, trying to comfort me.

"No," I say. She looked up with shock. "You lived a bad life. Everything you told me? You deserve better than what the world gave you. You deserve peace because you've suffered for it. Me? I don't deserve anything because I let myself become another bad thing to happen in your life. I wake up everyday telling myself that I'm just another nightmares, another story of how bad your life is. Another man who hurt you... another... another man who broke... you."

"You...," She tried to speak but I had more to say. There's no amount of time for me to be able to explain everything, even if I did, I wasn't going to be able to find the correct words to express them.

"I'm so sorry for what I did to you. Did to us. I haven't suffered like you have... and I've only made you suffer more because... because I was so fucking scared of losing you. I was so sad and it was killing me to know that there was, that there is, someone better for you out there than me. I don't deserve a single fucking thing. Every piece of happiness I find? I don't deserve it." Every single word that left my mouth was filled with the truth. A truth I was hiding from myself and her. I was saying this for both of us, but only one of us was willing to accept the truth.

"We... We suffer in our own ways. You don't need to have lived a bad life to be sad, hurt, or broken. From what you just told me, you're giving yourself that bad life. You deny so much joy and love from your life because you hurt yourself so much. You turn away because... you believe you don't deserve it, but that's not true. I... I forgive you," She says, stepping closer to me but I back away still. The tears only began to fall harder. "Stop fighting me, please. You don't need to fight right now. Just... just let me in, okay?"

"No... I...," I couldn't, I wouldn't. I've built my walls up so high but... somehow, she found a way... to break through them all. I've spent my entire life fighting the world just as much as I've been fighting myself. I deny myself any happiness because I don't deserve it after the things I've done. Every day I wake up and wonder what I've become?

I fight myself every single day and I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of pushing back the people I love just to torture myself even more. What... What have I let myself become?

"Shhh," She once again stepped closer and this time, I didn't move. She slowly wrapped her arms around my broken body, trying her best to piece it back together. It was there, in her arms, I began to weep. I let myself break down. I don't even allow myself to cry.

Everytime I'm on the verge of tears, I suck it up. I'm a man so who cares, right? I know it's a grim way to think, but as I've looked around and listened, I'm afraid that some of us men are born to die early. Never in my life have I felt so hopeless and hopeful at the same time, it's so painful. "Right now, just let go. I know I'll never understand your pain but that's okay. I forgive you, okay? So for now, let that battle in your head calm. Let it drip away and down your face. You've been strong for so long so please, for now, just rest."

"No... I... I don't deserve it. I... I don't deserve any of this." I cried, fighting myself still to stop crying. I understand my feelings, I don't understand why the world is made out to torture me. I just want it to stop hurting, I just want to stop feeling lonely, I just want to stop fighting.

"Yes, yes you do. After what happened between us, that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I'm sorry we weren't able to work but... it's no one's fault. We weren't ready, you weren't ready." She said, holding onto me tightly. My arms are still to my sides. Still, I'm fighting back. I... I don't want to give in. I... want to but it's so hard.

"Why...?" I weep.

"Because you're a good man. We make mistakes. We're human. I know saying to stop focusing on the past won't help right now, but you have to stop letting it destroy you. You have to let go. From now on, I'll be here for you. Every step of the way, alright?" She's still holding onto me. Soon enough, I wrap my arms around her, holding her tighter than I've ever held on before. I'm still hurting and I know it'll take time, but that's the hard part, waiting.

I want it to stop hurting now but that's not how it works. Healing, finding closure, making peace with those mistakes. I've tried that but from what I've learned, some closure just isn't worth having. I left with peace, sure, but with an extra side of pain knowing that soon, I'll have to move on. It's even more painful since every single person I know has moved on far quicker than me, making me believe that I was never important to anyone.

For my whole life, I've struggled to let people go while those same people are already gone. They've left and though I kill myself constantly looking at them, I know they've forgotten that I exist. I keep repeating my mistakes and that only adds to even more self-loathing. Her words are meaningful to me, but I'm afraid I'll convince myself otherwise.

But just this once... I'll let her in.

"Thank you." I say. She only holds me tighter. So do I.

"You're welcome." She chuckled through tears of her own. It was there we stood as the sun slowly began to set, the wind gently caressing our tears, and it was there, at least for a moment, I felt loved. As her arms clung onto me, it was there that I felt some sort of peace, my closure that I thought I'd never find after so many failed ones. I thought this closure was worth having, but as I'm holding her close, I'm realizing that maybe this... this is. I felt... happy, safe, comforted.

I looked up towards the setting sun with a broken smile upon my face as the wind blew past and cooled my tears. She still held on, staring at the sun too. I haven't felt this way in a long time and it felt nice to finally let myself have this victory. It was there we stood with optimistic gazes as our hearts pounded with newfound determination, determination I believe I wasn't worthy of. Though I still believed so, it was going to take time.

The imaginary scars that littered my body needed nursing and it was time to start trying to at least find the pieces that I've long left ignored. It was here, I felt peace.