I wheeze painfully and clutch my sheets when wave of pain assaulted my chest. My hand shook when I slowly took the nurse buzzer and click it. Not even a minute pass by when the door suddenly thrown open, and Ms. McAdams came in with a worried face, whirling a wheeled silver trolley tray which is filled with different kind of medical materials.
"Ishuca, honey." She cooed, before she took a syringe and filled it with my med and prick it directly into my wrist. After a while the pain subsided, and I can breath normally again.
I usually have attacks like this, especially when winter is near. That's why my father always admitted me in the hospital during those seasons. But sometimes I'm normal, as possibly I can be.
Although in my normal days I'm locked up in the house with a private nurse watching over me, and of course I can't go out even for a second. I can't blame them though. Because of what happened before when I'm 10 and my brother is being such an ass, left me in my own inside the house. Feeling bored and fascinated by the outside world, I came out running.
Big mistake in my part because I almost died that time.
My brother cried so much that day, when I finally woke up lying in the hospital bed, and aching all over. It seems that I suffered from a mild cardiac arrest. Luckily, someone pass by and saw me lying unconscious in front of our house, who called an ambulance and I was treated immediately.
My brother become over protective of me ever since. Added by a highly obsessed and protective parents into that mess, then you can imagine now, how my life turn out.
I'm prohibited to go out the house, even outside our front porch. Which is over dramatic, if you ask me. I never experienced going to school. Have friends of my own and even take a vacation for once, over my 17 years of living. Its true, I'm not joking..
So depressing, huh..
"Your okay now, Ishuca." I just nod my head slowly and smile at her. And like always, she blushed before she stutter her goodbye and run out of my room. My mother, and even my father told me that I have a charming smile. That can turn anyone as my 'slaves' like my brother, Seraph always joked about.
But honestly, I don't care about that. I do not want to charm anyone, or even fall to someone. After all its impossible to love someone like me. I'm weak, and fragile. No normal woman would love a guy like me.
As of now, my mind is only filled with desire of going out. To explore the world around me. Feel the wind, as it caress my skin. To walk on the grassy field without a care and look at the sky with a carefree smile.
To be free from my sickness, and confine of my room. To be out there, and live normally like every normal teenagers do.
Just thinking about it, filled my heart with sadness. Because I knew that its impossible. And before I can't stop it, a lone tear finally fall from my eye, while I let my eye wonder on the glass window beside my bed. I blankly watched the sun as it finally set over the horizon, casting orange, red, and blue hue over the sky. After a while the sky slowly grew dark, and the air turn a bit chilly.
And finally another day, has come to an end.. Sigh.
When will I gonna die?
I lost count on how many times I ask myself that question. I know that I should fight harder. That my life will get better. But sometimes, I can't help to think of giving up. And finally accept, that this is my life. That nothing will change anymore. But when I thought how my parents and Seph will felt once I've gone, I feel guilty.
I'm so ashamed with myself, because they are there fighting furiously to keep me alive but I'm repaying it by giving up.
How selfish, I can possibly be?
Then all of a sudden I broke from my depressing thoughts, when the door creak and opened. My brother Seraph came in with soft smile on his face. I smile too, but I frown when I saw him fidget on his feet.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked.
He blink his eyes, and shake his head. "Its nothing, baby brother."
"Baby brother? Uh huh, that bad?" I grimaced. I know my brother all my life, and he might not know it but I can read him like an open book. And watching him look scared fidgeting in his feet, sent the implication that there is definitely something wrong.
"You can't hide anything from him Seph. You should know that by now. Hey honey, how are you?" My mom suddenly said, as she came in with my father in tow. And like always when they come for their daily visit, they are carrying a lot of books, healthy snacks and some DVDs for me.
"Just like always." I lied. But when I saw their sympathetic look, I knew that they already know about my attack just a while ago.
"Ugh, I hate you guys!" Seph suddenly exclaim and pouted, before he plop himself in the loveseat beside my bed and open a bag of chips.
His brown hair is messy while his big doe hazel eyes is glazed. And I know that it won't be a while now, before he finally broke down and cry. Seraph might be the older but he's more childish than me. And at the age of 24 you won't believe how a crybaby he really is.
I lift a brow, and look at Mom and Dad. They both shrugged their shoulders and busied themselves in cleaning my room - I mean, my hospital room.
I sigh and took my brother's hand and squeeze it gently. "You can tell me anything, Sephy.." I murmur. And like I knew it would, he start bawling his eyes out. Throwing his hand over my slender waist, scattering the chips on the floor. Then he begin mumbling something about his boss, a bitch named Tara, and a lot more. Which I have a hard time understanding, on how fast he's talking.
After a while he slowly calm down. He's crying came to small whimpers until he finally stop. It become quiet aside from the soft snore coming from the young man hugging my waist.
Seph, is lying beside me. His arms wound up in my waist. I wipe the tears in his cheeks with my fingers and look at him gently.
"He honestly cry to sleep, huh." My mom suddenly said beside me.
"He must be tired. Geez, he's like a child." I chuckle.
"Yeah, until now he didn't change much. Even when he finish school and already a working adult now, he's still the same."
I smile softly, and brush my brother's hair gently. "And it might sound selfish of me, but I'm thankful that he's like this. At least he's treating me, normally. That I'm not weak, useless, and fragile."
"Ishuca.."
"No mom, dad... I understand, okay. I'm not stupid. I know that I can not be normal with my heart condition. Heck, after three surgeries and I'm still like this!" I sigh tiredly. My body becoming cold, while I start trembling beneath my heavy sweater.
"I'm aware that my life can never be normal." I shakily mutter, gripping my brother's hair tightly with my fingers. "That no matter how hard I wished it, living normally will be forever just a dream for me!" I bark out angrily. Then I gasp when a sudden strain hit my chest. Dark dots fog my vision, while my breathing become hard. Nauseous filled the pit of my stomach. And my world spin, uncontrollably. "Ughh.."
"Ishuca!" Someone called my name, but the darkness finally consumed me before I can even see who is it.
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